Girls take a picture of their legs in a bubble bath and say “guess where I am”
The library?
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People who are bad at hiding, I see you
If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to
Sober me: I hate drunk people
Me after first drink: WHERE MY DRUNK PEOPLE AT
This day in history. 1963. The Beach Boys released “Be True to Your School” but I wasn’t taking orders from 5 guys who shared 1 surfboard.
The National Spelling Bee is on ESPN which makes sense because I remember that one year a kid pulled a hamstring trying to spell ‘scherenschnitte’.
Felony Vandalism is a beautiful name for a girl.
You realize a robot is telling you to pick out tree pictures to make sure you’re not a robot.
🤯🤯🤯
Not one single dinosaur in Oppenheimer.
FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”
I’m beginning to think my best chance of fame is if someone names a syndrome after me.
[Dog yoga class]
Teacher: Alright, let’s go into downward human pose
[Dogs hunch over and start pretending to text]
went to this place once that claims it’s a brewery that doesn’t brew any of the beer it serves and the bartender was like “yep we are the first of our kind” & i didn’t have the heart to tell him that he opened up a bar, that’s a bar, bro
Shhh!
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
Me: The shirt I’m wearing feels heavier than usual
WebMD: *Blocked
me: just checkin to see if you’re ok, missed you at dinner
telemarketer who calls at the same time every day: oh hey it’s not a good time, can I call you back
You can’t hurt my feelings, pffft, I have three kids
Dinner is ready!
-my smoke detector
Social media has shown us why there are directions on shampoo.
You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.
Livid.
Actually, this is my first rodeo. Why is that angry cow trying to kill me?
[at 25yr class reunion]
Me: You haven’t changed at all!
Her: Hahaha, thanks
Me: *leans in* That wasn’t a compliment, Diane
ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]
This is niece.
GUY: Welcome to Assumption Club. The first rule is
ME: Yeah I think we got it thanks pal
GUY: [under breath] Holy shit this guy’s good
To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…
Are you okay? How does that even happen?
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
Week three of my new job, they’re all cunts.
There’s a weekly team call at 9am every Monday, what’s wrong with these people???
Wife: What’s with the bug spray?
Me: I can’t stand the little bloodsuckers.
Wife: You’re a vampire.
Me: I DON’T MAKE PEOPLE ITCHY, KAREN!
Why do u wanna work at Burger King?
*imagines killing the Burger King & taking my rightful place as king*
“I haven’t taken my meds in weeks”