Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We have a leprosy outbreak in central Florida and the experts are telling people not to eat armadillos. Just in case you were wondering how it’s going down here…

I could be in a store desperately looking for gauze to treat a knife wound and I’d still tell a clerk that approached me I was just browsing

I hate when my kids ask me impossible questions like: What day is it?

Mama
I just killed a man
He complained about student debt
So I posted his loan they did forget

Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout

[blind date]

HER: I just want to honestly know what’s in a guy’s heart

ME {trying to impress her}: blood

HER: I was mauled by a bear mountain biking

ME: *long drag on cigarette* what kinda bike was it riding, Carol

So many cheeses would work as baby names:

Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat

I’d like to thank the people who buy the gift bags. Because of you, I have never had to buy a gift bag. Thank you, from the bottom of my large gift bag filled with smaller gift bags.

If you don’t answer your kid’s tenth “MOM!”, I will…and what I say will keep them awake for 3 days. Better ask “what?”

A huge thanks to the person that did this

I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”

When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.

The stickier the better.

-Rice, obviously

Me: So many of my days have become an endless stream of snack-time, nap-time, tantrum-time, screen-time, bath-time, whining, and a lot of incoherent mumbling in between.

Them: I remember those days! How old are your kids?

Me: Kids?

[office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]

Secret to peaceful parenting is to never tell your child the plans for the day

I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.

I grilled a bunch of elk meat before my buddy told me,

“You’re making a big moose steak.”

“a quiet place” sequel cALLED “A LOUD PLACE” WHERE EVERYONE HAS TO KEEP SHOUTING AND MAKING ALL SORTS OF RUCKUS TO AVOID CREATURES THAT HUNT SILENCE

Dunno how you Americans have the motivation and energy to pronounce the ‘y’ in ‘basil’ and ‘tomatoes’.

We value your privacy. We always get top dollar for it.

At family dinners, I always offer to bring the potato dish. It’s always vodka.

Tried to text “playa” but it changed it to “player”

I must have the white iPhone.

[job interview]
“So why do you want to be a jeweler?”

ME(thinking about using that eye thing to appraise chicken nuggets): I love rubies

My child is sniffing a bruise on his arm to figure out how badly it hurts.

I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.

Her: u have a choice its me or the megaphone
Me: fine
Her: good
Me: [puts megaphone directly to her ear] I THINK WE SHOULD SEE OTHER PEOPLE

Me: How was schoo—
5yo: LUNCH WAS CHEESE PIZZA AS BIG AS MY FACE. THEY HAVE IT EVERY DAY THIS WEEK.
Me: So it was—
5yo: I LOVE IT HERE. FIVE STARS

Just saw a cyclist put his hand out to indicate he was turning left when a lone pedestrian high fived him. I feel so good right now.