Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

there should be an olympic sport for pessimism, not that i could ever win

Just said “No you can’t have an apple because you’ll spoil the pizza that’s being delivered very soon.”

I shouldn’t be allowed to parent.

This doctor doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I’m pretty sure “Esophagus” is that hairy elephant on Sesame Street.

A cat is the animal equivalent of the girl who hated you for no reason in high school.

Kinda weird that you can’t tickle yourself, but masturbation works.

Me: *clears throat*
Boss: You have a wee cough
Me: Thanks, see you in seven days

me: this leaf blower is doing more harm than good. i want a refund

store manager: that’s a rocket launcher

I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue

Produce goes bad three times faster when you’re the one who paid for it. It’s science!

Does anyone else start driving like there’s 4 dismembered bodies in the trunk when a cop is behind you?

Rome fell because it was run by idiots who used letters as numbers.

Did you know that if you drop and break a piece of folk art, it just turns into more folk art?

I’m old enough to remember when rainbows were in black and white.

I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.

[bank heist]
leader: ok everyone put on your balaclavas
me: *looks down at box of freshly baked baklava* i think i’ve made a mistake

My signature move is eating a whole bag of something before realizing I don’t like it.

wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*

I just don’t understand how moats ever went out of style.

anyone who doesn’t have a crush on me is wrong but also anyone who DOES have a crush on me is wrong too. confusing, i know!

Get a dog they said …they never said anything about never ever being able to eat in peace ever again.

Halloween costumes

Age 10: monster

Age 25: sexy fireman

Age 35: sexy mobilization to end systematic oppression of underrepresented groups

I didn’t forget your birthday I just forgot today’s date.

-me, forgetting your birthday

Welcome to middle age.

Only one nostril works

My wife is talking about the seriousness of hazardous waste and I’m eating ham (that I hid in a tricky corner of a fitted sheet while pretending to fold it) and wow it’s crazy, right?!
*slowly chews the ham*

Why are Americans so obsessed with the British royal family? It’s like constantly checking your ex’s Instagram 245 years after the breakup.

It’s so windy, my dog keeps stopping, looking back at me and dropping that “you gonna fix this shit?” look.

Lunch is the best thing that’s happened to me since breakfast.

Me after completing a simple 10-minute task that I’d been putting off for 3 months

I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?

Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours