Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Always use a fish knife when eating fish, a tomato knife when eating tomato, and a Swiss Army knife when eating a member of the Swiss army.

my husband had a friend over for drinks last night and i woke up to this and what the hell happened?????

Instead of yelling “Hello?” when u think a murderer’s in your home, say “Goodbye” Then if he’s there he’ll be like well OK guess I’m leaving

Showerkraut

Men, it’s really simple. We want everything, but nothing, at the same time or different times, sometimes but not always.

Drank too much Red Bull and puked in some bushes, now three of them are breakdancing and one is taking me hang gliding next weekend.

I’ve started an all male cow gang.
Because in life, anything is posse bull !!

Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming

3: [eating] I want Pirates of the Caribbean

me: yeah, well people in hell want ice water

3: [smiling] I already got ice water

Just did the math and found out I can retire next year if I start saving $144,468.02 a month.

I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.

And I’ve started drinking for evil.

Happy Febuary everyone!

Yet another day of playing ‘Is it just allergies or should I prepare my will’

Sensei: you have learned much, my child

Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate

They charge you for the groceries and then they charge you for the toilet paper when you turn the groceries into poop. Open your eyes

I’m new to running outside and still learning the benefits, like for example when it rains you don’t have to do it.

Toddler cupping his hands around my ear: Pss shh tsk whhh shiii pstsh tssskp.

Me: You know whispering is still saying real words, but just really quietly, right?

Let them kids believe in Santa! You believe you’re cute no one says shit

No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn’t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn’t her grandmother

[amusement park]

me: *arms up, screaming*

cashier: but that is the price

Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation.

Kid: What’re you doing?

Me: Trying to decide whether I’d rather have a live-in housekeeper or a personal chef.

Kid: We can only have one?

She’s mastered this game.

Paris Hilton’s chihuahua Tinkerbell died yesterday. Purses are being held at half-mast.

DAD: All I want you to do is get some water. This is the simplest task I can possibly imagine. Promise me you won’t bungle this.

JACK AND JILL: We’re on it.

I’d been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.

Me: Do you want McD or KFC for dinner?

Hubs: Can’t you make something? Any ideas?

Me: Divorce

Psychiatrist – If you’re stuck in an elevator who would you want to be stuck in there with?
Me – An elevator repairman.

They say the cheetah is the fastest land animal, but nobody has ever clocked a parent whose child called for a plunger from within the bathroom.

Please don’t block me 😂😂😂😂