Girls want a bad boy to fix.
Boys want a good girl to corrupt.
Me? I just want a rumbustious monkey as a butler.
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Mermaids is much more serious than mermsyphilis.
2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.
They should have made a pool raft that looked like a broken door when Titanic was in theaters.
I bet it would have sold millions.
…and then the whiskey whispered “You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed.”
Hi, I’m your car’s radio. I’ll be playing terrible music during your trip, but once you get out of the car I’ll play your favorite song.
95% of dentists recommend teeth.
My 4-year-old was crying when his favorite pair of pants no longer fit him and I was like, “Dude, I get it. I totally get it.”
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.
pov you are seriously underestimating how big whales are
RIP Ronaldo’s Moth. The world’s most famous footballing insect has died after a long and illustrious career. He was 6 weeks old.
“I raised you better than that!!!!” you very obviously did not
Friend: *opening his front door* Oh, it’s you. But the dinner party is tomorrow
Me: It’s ok. I’ll wait
If you make your legs go fast on an elliptical, then relax and let momentum take over
It still hurts when your face smashes on the floor
Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?
Me: Do you like my new negligé?
Him: Are you wearing bubble wrap?
Me: You said put something on that would keep you occupied for hours.
Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”
Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush plays as the camera pans to me chasing an ice cream truck in my flip flops.
Phone: your storage is full.
“looks at my 8,726 identical photos of last 100 years”
Me: no, I need all of these
I marked today on my calendar as “new client consultations” which was code for me having a day off because who wants a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving?!
Five. It appears 5 people want a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving.
*stares into distance*
Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Well-seasoned Mom: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
Why does Nike keep telling me to JUST DO IT? Maybe I don’t want to do it. I’m in my 50s. Maybe I just want to eat pizza straight out the box and take a nap
To change the traffic light from red to green, pick up your phone and try to read a text on your cellphone.
early stone age tool
The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don’t know you.
6-year-old: Did you know an octopus has 9 brains?
Me: I did not know that.
6-year-old: That’s because you only have 1 brain.
Me, walking into my mom’s house
16 & 4 of his friends: *sitting in living room eating cookies with my mom*
One of his friends: May I have another cookie, ma’am?
Mom: *beaming* This is grandma’s house, honey. You may have as many cookies as you want
All 4 teen boys: *grin*
Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ
Barber: What can I do for you?
Me: Here, I brought a picture. Can you make me look like this?
Barber: Is that… is that Chris Pratt’s abs?
Me: Can you do it or not?
“Unprecedented times” at this point would be if something nice happened like we all got a coupon for a free sandwich