Girls who go to finishing school know all of the Mortal Kombat fatalities.
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My 7y/o son walked in without eyebrows and I was just about to put him in timeout for shaving them off when I noticed tweezers in my dog’s crate and now I don’t know who to punish.
What pharmaceutical advertisements love most:
Slow motion
Flowery meadows
Horrifying side effects
Old people sex
White people making dinner
It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.
Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.
Interior designer.
[dragging bathtub into the kitchen]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Toaster cord is too short.
gooooob morning. i’m being told. someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would’ve lost my mind
My cat is smarter than I am but I’m brighter than most plants, so I feel like I’m holding my own.
Welcome to middle age.
Don’t bother looking at the weather forecast; your joints will let you know when it’s going to rain.
My 7yo asked “why doesn’t mommy eat ice cream?” And my husband and I laughed and laughed and laughed because every night after the kids go to sleep I eat a giant mug full of ice cream.
This was the very first time she’s appeared to be impressed by me.
Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.
(holding a pickle like a cigarette) do you mind if i?
[the inventor of corn chips]
What if knives were delicious?
Friend: Did you know that a butterfly only lives for 2 days?
Me: I think that’s a myth.
Friend: No it’s definitely a butterfly.
Prom Date: [coming down stairs in dress] How do I look?
Me, super woke cool guy: You look empowered & worthy of equal salary compensation
Me: Liar, liar, pants on fire! Nose as long as a telephone wire!
Daughter: A telephone WHAT?
Me: Wire.
Daughter: That doesn’t make sense.
Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?
Five drunk guys will start a FIGHT.
But five stoned guys will start a BAND!
GF: What a perfect night
ME: It gets better *bends on 1 knee* Will you…
GF: OMG yes!
ME: *puts Space Jam DVD on her finger* put this in?
“babe, lauren. you always act like this when you do gin shots. you’re causing a scene”
A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.
I find old cables in my house that I know I should throw out but then I’m like ‘nah I better keep that just incase someone comes round with a nokia n95 and needs to connect it to a fax machine’.
My girlfriend asked if she killed someone would I help her dispose of the body and I said no and she said, “You wouldn’t lie to the cops to keep me out of prison??” And I had misunderstood the question because I’d be happy to lie to the cops I just didn’t want to carry stuff.
ME: I’m just gonna take a quick nap.
KIDS: Check out the new cirque du soleil show we invented.
*living room is on fire*
Strudel me like one of your toaster girls
I’ve seen The Blair Witch Project and that’s all I need to know about camping.
[Farmer’s market]
Me: One of your finest farmers plz
Farmer: That’s not how this works
Me: Ok just give me some seeds & I’ll grow my own
When’s dinner?
-My kids an hour after finishing Thanksgiving dinner
*Prosecution lawyer paints white stripe on otter*
DEFENCE LAWYER: Objection, Your Honour. He’s clearly badgering the witness.