Girls who go to finishing school know all of the Mortal Kombat fatalities.
You Might Also Like
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
ME: you’re acting strange what’s wrong
HER: oh I think I have a stomach bug
ME: ᵀᴱᴸᴸ ᴹᴱ ᴹᴼᴿᴱ ᴮᵁᵀ ᵂᴿᴵᵀᴱ ᴵᵀ ᴰᴼᵂᴺ ˢᴼ ᵀᴴᴱʸ ᴰᴼᴺᵀ ᴴᴱᴬᴿ
Gemini: I pretty much know everything
Cancer: so how are u feeling right now
Gemini: not that
*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*
I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.
Me: [pitching an idea for a comic book] Imagine a superhero whose parents are–get this–alive and well.
Exec: *under breath* whoa
Apparently a guy named George Martin leaked all the main plot points of the next season of Game of Thrones in some books he published. Jerk.
My friends wife threatened to leave him over his Star Wars collectibles and I was like divorce is strong in this one.
7: Mom, sometimes when you’re talking to me, I have no idea what you’re talking about.
M: Join the club.
Officer, I swear there is a simple explanation..
~me standing in the street with no pants, one sock and a turkey baster in my hand
[in the insect dissection room]
Your fly is open.
i made my dad a beetloaf and he tried to run me over with his van
My kid went to bed before 10pm tonight so I could go to bed early too and clearly something is about to cost me a lot of money.
Doctors who do lip injections should be referred to as quacks.
Do people who swirl and sniff their wine in the glass know that it tastes just the same straight from the bottle? Amateurs.
A friend went on a cruise and when I asked how it went he said “well I didn’t throw up” and this is now my measurement of success for everything.
Oh yeah that’s it
Whoever named the moon did a horrible job, that thing controls our oceans they should’ve tried harder
Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.
~What is your sin, child?
My husband and I are arguing
~That’s very common.
…about my boyfriend.
My young children are currently screaming because they collectively ate the last two bananas in this house and they both want more.
THIS IS BANANARCHY.
When you see a picture of my kids and it’s captioned “The reason I wake up every day” it’s not me being sweet. It’s the truth, I literally cannot sleep-in with these little heathens in the house.
ME: We left the kids at their grandparents
FRIEND: Date night?
ME: No we just don’t like them anymore
Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving
Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords
I don’t own a Roomba vacuum but I do have a dog who follows my kids around while they eat their snacks
At grandma’s. Which means this morning I woke up at 8:45am and was still greeted with, “Look who’s finally up. We thought you were dead!”
The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.
Hey babe, are you my 47th open browser tab, because you are not responding
If it requires “gear” I’m in.
The only thing better than not knowing how to do something is spending a ton of money pretending that I do.
PSA:
Drunks will undercook grilled chicken every single time.
Friends don’t let friends get drunk and grill chicken.
Me: Liquor then beer, hit a deer
Cop: Please get out of the vehicle