girls will be like “i have so much to do” then grabs some snacks and starts watching a 10 part docuseries on serial killers.
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I’m wearing the tie I got married in more than 20 years ago and I don’t want to brag but… it still fits.
Me: Dare me to find out how many Reese’s peanut butter cups can fit in my mouth?!
Date: What’s happening right n-
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!
cw: (hanging up the phone) never get married.
me: why?
cw: that was my husband. he called to tell me about the gold panning kit he just bought on amazon.
[BOOPS nose]
COP: Sir, I’m gonna need you to touch your finger to the tip of YOUR nose.
I’m not arguing with anyone who has their own picture as their lock screen. I stepped out of line and I apologize.
I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.
I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”
My work here is don’t.
Me: How dare you accuse me of being drunk last night !?
Wife: You were laughing all night at the TV – that wasn’t even turned on!
I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”
I miss phone booths both as a source of loose change and also as protection against attacking seagulls
“Gary give me the gun”
“I thought you had it”
“I TOLD you to bring it”
“I didn’t”
“who brought the getaway car?”
-Disorganized crime
Explaining to the plumber that it’s a ziplock bag of my birthday cake I forgot I hid in the toilet tank, and also please don’t tell the kids about this spot.
Sometimes when I’m driving I’m overcome with an urge to run into an overpass pillar. Anyway, I’m Kris & I’ll be your Uber driver.
Every time I go to the dentist they’re like, “you need a whole new mouth and that will be $23,000.” I’m like, “thank you for my cleaning. I will see you in six months.”
Only wearing tennis skirts from now on and frankly disappointed in myself for not thinking of it sooner.
She gives you butterflies.
She makes your hands sweat.
She sends chills down your spine.She just gave you her stomach virus.
I like my salad like my poker opponents – obscured from view by a massive f****** pile of my chips.
I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in
Me: Can I have a gin and tonic?
Them: Sir, this is an elementary school party.
Me: Fine. MAY I have a gin and tonic?
My favorite form of cardio is racing around trying to hide the evidence of my snacking as my husband walks into the room after his workout
The face palm is the only houseplant you can’t kill
KIM KARDASHIAN: Elane you GOTA see the BABY
ELANE: I follow you on instagram. Im gona see it
Positive vibes only, she says from the couch where she watches murder documentaries all day
My daughter is angry that I won’t let her eat icicles hanging off our house, like I’m some kind of monster for denying her a gutter sucker.
[Please Do Not Tap Glass. Snakes Do Not Have Fingers And Will Get Jealous.]
What idiot called it a hot air balloon and not a sphere of heights
Me watching someone get cooked by the timeline for an opinion i agree with
I’m exceptionally skilled at accomplishing absolutely nothing while screwing something up, therefore accomplishing less than zilch.
Is it too late to drop myself off at the fire station?