girls will be like “i have so much to do” then grabs some snacks and starts watching a 10 part docuseries on serial killers.
![]()
You Might Also Like
[Everyday]
Me: The kids have been fighting for the last 10 minutes. You know what that means?
Hubs: what?
Me: that they have only been home for 10 minutes.
america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’
Doctor: Between 1 and 10, describe how much pain are you in?
Me: Is married a number?
That’s how I get the good meds…
Welcome to your 40s, your bra wins the Oscar for the best actor in a supportive role.
KID: *falls out of tree* I’m fine
ADULT: *sleeps on neck a little strangely* I have to turn my whole body to look at you for the next week
2 years later
![]()
My husband asked if I know the attractive, young woman who jogs down our street every day around lunch and this is one way to lose an office with a view.
I just want to live in a world where stupid people don’t knock on a locked bathroom door shouting, “anyone in there?!”
I hate the word Fiancée. Why do i have to speak french just because youre getting married
The bar sign said
“WiFi password since1938”
And I was like wow that’s been your password for a long time
Your honor I didn’t teach myself the ukulele for fun I did it to defend myself in court today through song
My husband and I moved a heavy piece of furniture last night and I’d like to apologize to our kid’s teachers for their new language skills
Runner: What’s your fastest race?
Me: Taking the trash out at night
Me: Could I trouble you for a knife?
Waiter, knowing that all they have is 10,000 spoons: I have some inexplicably bad news.
I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.
ramses: *checking phone* wtf is a dense frog warning
moses: 🙂
ramses: oh you son of a-
When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.
that wasn’t the question
![]()
I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!
If you’re reading this message then something has gone wrong with my experiment and I apologize for what is about to happen to the eggs in your fridge
4yo: *shoots me with gun*
*stuffs gun in my pocket*
*runs away*
Me: *Realizes he just made it look like a suicide*
*keeping an eye on him*
Damn girl, are you my inevitable death? Because I hate that you exist, but somehow I always find myself lying awake at night thinking about you.
Mom: Take out the trash
*I take the trash on a lovely date*
Mom: Not what I meant
*I assassinate the trash in an ally*
Mom: Still wrong
Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.
Me: Is that a Yeti cooler?
Yeti: *flicks cigarette* Cooler than what?
*manager storms backstage* Kandi, your twerk looks like the first signs of Parkinson’s. Foxxxy, you couldn’t get a Werther’s Original hard.
My daughter asked me what a colonoscopy was so I gave her an honest answer. She learned about colonoscopies and I learned I need to be less honest.
[first day working at DMV]
Me: I hope you like paperwork
Guy: I am not a fan
Me: *cautiously lifting paperweight* sounds like something a fan would say
4yo: What do you love most in the world?
Me: You & your brother
4yo: Oh
Me: What about you?
4yo: The fire tree in Plants vs. Zombies
Me: Oh
I falcon love using swear birds