Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Am I capable of premeditated murder?

Your honor, I’ve been planning my cheat day for two weeks.

I’ve never been to Pilates but I have tried to change clothes in the car.

Yoda: In the Light Side, the real power is.

Luke: The Emperor controls the galaxy. You live in a swamp.

There is a time and a place for accosting people with baguettes (2 p.m., Whole Foods).

Cop: step out of the car please

Me: I picked a good day to wear my tap dancin’ shoes

Dear guy that just shoplifted a brick from the supply centre, how close are you to finishing the construction of your dream home?

Real quick, what percentage of your blood is supposed to be buttercream?

I’ve faced more peer pressure to watch certain TV shows than to do drugs.

“I think I have ADHD, doc”
why?
“I keep forgetting where I parked my Ford”
that’s not-
“yeah I keep losing my Focus”
get out of my office

12: You’re almost half a century old.

Me: Go to your room.

I’ve decided to go out on the street tonight.

Can’t wait to be chased by the police.
At least a man will finally be chasing me.

They want us to stay current with our training, yet the training videos show people using BlackBerries.

My date wouldn’t let me drive him home after The Substance because “we haven’t been seeing each other long enough” for him to throw up in front of me. He literally just walked home in the rain to vomit with dignity. Five star movie.

Choose your own adventure:

S O F A T H E R E Y E S P O P

Dad sees a soda?
Moving a couch for dad?
Obese girl with a vision problem?

You’d think with food shortages around the world someone would have come up with a way to grow pepperoni pizza trees or something.

Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.

For most, bikini season lasts a few short summer months, but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I can eat bikini all year round.

Bank Teller: Ma’am, this is a regular bank, not a blood bank. Please stop trying to give me your blood
Me: Oh this isn’t mine

*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*

HER: I’m a gun enthusiast

ME [trying to impress]: I’m sweating bullets

My 4YO asked me, “can I take your picture mama cuz you’re so beautiful,” but it was actually because she wanted my phone to look for YouTube videos.

You want me to be your daddy? Then close the damn door, we’re not heating the outside!

Before I die I want to be chased through the back of a Chinese restaurant.

[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were here

pizza delivery driver: sir, we said 30 min or less

Apparently everyone was too high in the 70’s when Grease came out to notice that every “student” at Rydell High looked like they were 35

[on phone with mom]
SHE SAID YES!!!!
“congrats, son”
I asked her if she thought I was weird
“Wait what?”
She thinks I’m weird. We broke up

If I could turn water into wine I’d have twelve disciples and a multitude of followers too

7yo: Why can’t I have coffee?

Me: It’ll make u even more energetic than u already are

7: But u drink it all the time& u never have energy!

Just saw a guy wearing a hat that says “Don’t Bother Me,” so I asked him where he got it & how much it cost & whether or not it works.

if you have over 100 followers there is a secret group of people who meet once a week to throw darts at a picture of your face