girls will be like “i have so much to do” then grabs some snacks and starts watching a 10 part docuseries on serial killers.
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Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.
Person: *wearing cargo shorts*
Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.
Me: Not today, Satan.
Her: Mom, stop calling me that.
Why do they say “break a leg !” to actors ?
If you said “tear an ACL !” to a star athlete,
you’d be shot on the spot.
Wife: Will you please move your stupid truck?
Me: I’m sorry, move what?
Wife: Ugh. Will you please move the Colossus of Roads?
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth…and drink all the vodka inside.
It seems to help
“To hell with it, thats good enough.” – every person after theyve ever tried to iron a shirt. Ever.
[after giving cpr]
him: ʸᵒᵘ ˢᵃᵛᵉᵈ ᵐʸ ˡᶦᶠᵉ
me: lol
him: ʷʰᵃᵗ ᵗʰᵉ ʰᵉˡˡ
me: I inhaled helium first
@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?
Me after a regular weekend: Back to the grind
Me after a 3-day weekend: How now shall I labor when I’ve grown accustomed to my rightful place among the leisure class
In the next James Bond movie 007 has to prevent a Congolese arms dealer from selling nuclear-grade plutonium to a Nevada couple planning a gender reveal
If a dragon flew overhead right now, I’d be surprised but not surprised surprised
me: *playing hopscotch* you sure you don’t want a turn?
guy: *hugging elevator wall tightly* yes
A typo so bad, they assume you speak German.
Brit 1:
“They’ve… just stepped away from their desk for a minute, can I take a message?”Translation: They’re staring straight at me.
Brit 2:
“Yes, when they get back can you let them know I’ve called?”Translation: I know they’re still at their desk.
[Teaching pet elephant to wash the car]
ok Stompy fill your nose with water and spray it
*elephant crushes car*
why did I name you Stompy
It should be a crime to have sports announcers that sound like a grandpa kermit the frog murmuring through a paper towel tube. YOU’RE RUINING THE GAME PAPA
“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.
*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!
I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.
If I was Phil Collins I’d rub my belly after every meal and say ‘I’m Full Collins’, then insist everyone either laughed or left my house.
Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying
*7yo plucks a sesame seed off his hamburger bun.*
7yo: If I plant this, will it grow a burger?
flea markets are crazy. an old woman will be like “this pendant belonged to my grandfather who forged it himself during the great war. it’s yours for $3.”
The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.
The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together
NO
ONE’S
IN..
COURT LIKE GASTON
LEAKS REPORTS LIKE GASTON
WRITES IN PRESS AS “ANONYMOUS SOURCE” LIKE GASTON
Who the hell does that in a sock?!?
*squishes out of the room*
I need a chiropractor for my brain.
[First day as a beaver]
Me: Dam.