girls will be like “it’s fine” and then go and curse your whole bloodline.
You Might Also Like
Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.
[trying to talk to girl]
Ha so you from around here?
“Ya”
Cool me too. I love planet earth
My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk
Me: what about
When the lady at the hardware store pointed down and told me my caulk was hanging out, I nearly had a heart attack!
Made the mistake of laughing at something my 7yo said and thus entered into a 72-hour hell spiral of listening to him repeat the same joke over and over and over and over…
[first day on wind farm]
me: *placing bucket under turbine* what do I squeeze
Watching two cars with reindeer hood antlers rutting for a parking spot and I’ve never felt more David Attenborough.
Batman-
See, kids?
Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.
My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.
So I have one coworker who uses “irregardless” and another who uses “unappropriate” and now I’m over trying to conversate with these people.
1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
women’s shower products be like “lock in moisture” and “rejuvenate pores,” while men’s are all “smell like hammer, you idiot”
No thanks, Downward dog.
I’m already busy with Downward spiral.
(At a funeral)
Im so sorry for your loss. I know how it feels to lose something you love. Last year Taylor Swift took her music off Spotify.
What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)
restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then
The ghost of the girl murdered in my apartment in the 1920s would scare me a lot more if she didn’t keep queuing up Paw Patrol on Netflix.
He looks like he’s got a lot to say
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations
Your move Martha Stewart
[boxing match]
ANNOUNCER: …and the challenger weighing 8lbs 7oz, Billy “The Baby” Sanchez
CHAMP: That’s a real baby
TRAINER: You got this
Winner of unnecessarily terrifying headline of the year announced:
Him: What? You said I could tie you up and do anything I want.
Me: WELL WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?
Him: Fishing
Boss:Why is your voice gone? Are you ok?
Me:*thinks back to me belting out Ariana Grande’s “Dangerous Woman”*
I’m ok…allergies are bad.
An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!
Apparently it’s ‘inappropriate’ to show up at your therapist’s home to swim in her new pool even though your ‘boundary issues’ paid for it.
Ok… so wireless bra’s don’t have any internet connectivity, we all make mistakes, can we just move on now.
Muffled whimpers, moaning, panting…
…it’s just me, taking the stairs
I straightened my hair and wore my contacts. So according to all the 90s movies I’m unrecognizably hot now, right!?