girls will be like “it’s fine” and then go and curse your whole bloodline.
You Might Also Like
[my first day at Marvel Comics]
Me: [calling my mom] I already created a new superhero!
Boss: [bursting into my office, furious] who tf is the Couscousinator?!
My daughter will not be fully comfortable until she finds a spot to sit on the living room floor that perfectly blocks her sister’s view of the television.
My 3yo niece wants dead grapes.
Raisins, she wants raisins.
My husband came home at 5:47am & wanted to know why his key wasn’t working. You don’t live here anymore. That’s why.
*reading* 160 calories *thinking* Let me break it down to see how much I should eat. *reading and thinking* The can is 14.2 ounces, the serving size is 245 grams and the servings per container are about 3.
And we wonder why America is getting fat.
MATH
Sesame Street: this is an educational show
Me: oh yeah? what type of bird is that
Sesame Street: *flustered* a big one
I accidentally touched the underside of a public toilet seat with my finger. Well, you had a good run, finger. *chainsaw sound*
Him: [running his fingers through my hair] is… is this part of a cookie?
*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME
what forbidden atrocity did Santa Clause commit to be cursed to have to drink 500,000,000 glasses of warm milk in one night every year for eternity?
I had rando stomach pain and went “ooh,” and patted my tummy, but I guess this looked sus
My wife gave me a funny look, so I panicked and said “the baby kicked”
David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.
herekittykittykittykitty
– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon
And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again
i’ll never forget when I was in the 3rd grade and my teacher asked us to draw our favorite season and I drew salt
Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.
Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.
wife: 9 got a ninja costume. Pretend you can’t see him
9 [standing in front of the fridge] *giggles*
me *hits him in the face with the door*
Her: Do you wanna do it?
Me: Do what?
Her: It.
Me: What’s it?
Her: You know… It.
Me: Oh… I call first player.
Her: Wait, what?
Sat behind two cars at a four-way stop for 5 minutes before I realized I had accidentally joined a goddamn school pick up line.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m pretty sure based on the amount of stuffed animal surgery I’ve done, I’m a doctor now.
“bury me loose” will never ever be bested 😭
I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.
dresses with pockets are great for parties because it’s like having two built-in doggie bags. 8 cookies, 4 taquitos, and 7 fancy crackers for later? don’t mind if I do
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
When I’m mad at my kid, I don’t put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.
One of the coolest things about superhero films is that they can be any genre.
Science fiction? Guardians of the Galaxy.
Fantasy? Doctor Strange.
Sleep aid? Eternals.
My iPhone corrects “WHOA” to “WHOSE”, which just made my text response to “I JUST HAD A BABY!!!” a little awkward.
Police found the neighbourhood paedophile shot in the head 27 times. Authorities ruled it the worst case of suicide in a decade.