Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.

Me, bewildered: “What is this odd thingy?”

H: It’s called a wine stopper.

Me, whisper cries: “Why would anyone want to stop the wine?”

I like that he just laid there without moving like I might not notice the cookie he slid over to himself

When you take Google Maps too seriously.

Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.

him: it’s what’s inside that counts

me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?

Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.

‘I just liked camping alone, you know?’

~Jason Voorhees, in therapy

Top of the ramen to ya, laddies

my brain: eat
me: okay, what should we make
my brain: no make, only eat

[being interviewed from a lily pad in a fetid bog] I mean, if you think about it who hasn’t lied to a witch at some point?

Kangaroo: SOMEONE TOOK MY BABY
911: try to remain calm
Kangaroo: PLEASE FIND MY…wait..
911: was it in your-
Kangaroo: it was in my pocket

“We need a machine that can count all these damn geigers.” – guy who invented the geiger counter

Them: This is a knife for cutting cake

Me: [Laughing] Who actually cuts cake

Them:

Me: Oh

Good thing Brazil won…otherwise I’m pretty sure they would’ve just cancelled the rest of the World Cup.

ME: I’ll have the chicken dinner.
WAITER: Yes, sir. *throws corn on the floor* Here, chick chick chick.
ME: *pecks at the ground* Excellent.

For main female characters, prom is inevitable. Even if you try to skip it, a perfectly-fitting dress will appear in your life.
Lock the doors, or run far away. No matter where you go, prom will find you.

Vodka burrito was a success

[Airport security]

Guard: Your flight leaves in 5 minutes

Centipede: No problem. I’ll just run. I have 100 legs.

Guard: Remove your shoes

Don’t call them paint “chips” if you don’t want me to snack on em.

Huge, if true.

Simba – “welcome to… The bone zone”
Nala – “the what?”
Simba – “elephant graveyard. I said elephant graveyard”

Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.

Husband: What’s up with the notepad taped to your arm?

Me: It’s so I don’t forget to write down my tweet material.

H:

Me:

H: I think it’s time to take a break…

Me: Ok, I’ll miss you but I support your decision.

H: …from twitter

*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matches

Cashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”

*wine
*tampons

When you get mad but you’re one of the nicest people ever…😂🐮🐑

Ever talk to someone so stupid you can actually hear them misspelling words?

[Cave, present day]

Archeologist [Finding a cave painting]
Wow! This is incredible!

[Cave, thousands of years ago]

Caveman [Finding paint smeared on wall]
What the…KIIIIIIIDDDDS!

Angel: how long should dogs live?
God: how about 12 years

Angel: horses?
God: 20

Angel: cats?
God: 15

Angel: sea turtles?
God: ONE HUNDRED FIFTY

Angel: oh no it’s happening again
God: haha, hey ask me about flies

Angel *rubs temples*: …fine
God: like 12 minutes lol