girls will be like “it’s fine” then start drawing a pentagram in blood on their floorboards
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The Last of Us is my favorite video game about the survivors of 2020
Just realized I get most of my upper body strength from shredding cheese.
kid: I feel funny, mom
mom: that’s why we’re sending you to clown school
nurse: height
me: i’m 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Me: It’s 2020, you can’t breathe without offending somebody.
Them: HE’S A MOUTH BREATHER!
My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.
SON: Why did mommy leave?
ME: You know how in your fav movie the t-rex fights the velociraptors even though it might die?
SON: Yeah
ME: She said that shit was fake yo
Maybe the guy yelling random words into the sky at the bus-stop isn’t crazy..
…maybe he’s just trying to figure out 2020’s safe word
Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.
My 4 YO pointed out that we put socks on during the day and take them off at night and that means our feet are nocturnal
If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.
Something I like to do when I’m voting is tell to turn to the person at the stall next to me and whisper, “What did you put for number 3?”
*finally gets comfortable with you*
*starts whispering in your ear*
“oooo baby I can recite all my phobias in alpha order”
guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”
Everybody keep your fingers crossed for me today.
Nothing’s happening, I just like bossing around internet strangers.
texted a girl “what are you up to” a week ago and she has yet to respond. can’t believe she’s thinking this hard about it lol it’s a simple question. honestly i might just ghost her
Homophobia isnt much about fear, true, but I wish it was more like Arachnaphobia(I heard that every year in your sleep you swallow 7 gays)
Want to throw somebody off? Look at their forehead mid-conversation. It makes the subconscious incredibly uncomfortable! Switch between looking at their eyes and their forehead — they’ll either end the conversation completely, or lose their train of thought.
My horse kicked me in the head last month and sent me to the ER. My insurance is telling me to sue him.
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if i had a girlfriend i would brush the pop tart crumbs off of my bed so she could lay with me
Why’d they call it an “aquarium” instead of a “Here fish-see fish-see”
hoping jesus comes back soon, preferably on a monday, so we can get another holiday
I may not look like the toughest guy at the bar but I was a psychology major, I studied writing for decades, and you do NOT want me sending your boss a message on LinkedIn
I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
“Dad, can you explain the eclipse to me?”
“No sun.”
Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.
How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
I had to cut my own toenails. This pandemic is bullshit.
Why are books the only thing advertised as “Wherever books are sold.” You can’t sell other stuff by saying “Wherever you get this shit, IDK”