girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s texas chainsaw massacre.
You Might Also Like
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
I will always try to sound smarter & make up words when talking to my doctor, like “pain in the crotchal area” or “difficulty extendilating my arms.”
Me: “You didn’t tell me that.”
Them: “Yes I did, four times while you were staring at your phone.”
Me (looks up): “I’m sorry, what?”
Got the results of my history exam.
Past.
Trying to describe I want it rough in bed: “Koolaid Man my cervix.”
Vin Diesel: Is it fast?
Car Salesman: Yes, sir. It is very fast.
Vin Diesel: Oh yeah? *leans in close* Is it furious?
I’ve disappointed better people.
Friend: How’d you lose your voice?
Me: By failing at gentle parenting.
*Organizing closet*
Husband: Where do you want your wedding dress?
Me: Oh, just put it with the others.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth
︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎
piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists
WIFE: When my sister goes on holidays, she likes to stay off the beaten track, often using lesser known roads to see the country.
ME: *barely audible* a detourist
WIFE: Get out.
Occam’s razor: the simplest answer is most often correct
Occam’s toothbrush: show off
Can’t, need to go and at least see this gym that I am member of.
Every time I see a turtle up close I’m like man this is not a good idea for an animal
me: get out of your own head live in the now
also me: tbh boneless chicken wings have the same flying potential as regular chicken wings
A map of the US presidential election results if you are viewing it as a dog
I’ve been clicking “remind me later” on this work software update for 2 years when is he going to get the hint that I’m not interested?
Everybody: Pink starbursts are the best starbursts
Starburst Corporate: What I’m hearing is that the bag should be half yellow starbursts
your daddy is a what now?
Cool Ranch Doritos are just like regular ranch Doritos except every chip wears a little pair of aviators.
My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life
Council: We’ll pay you 30 pieces of silver.
Judas: Never. He’s my friend.
Council: …and an iPad.
Judas: I hate that guy.
Productive day sketching while waiting at the DMV.
My dog sets an impossible bar on how to greet my wife when she comes home.
Breaking news:
Damn girl are you a bag of sunflower seeds? Cause I wanna spend a bunch of money, work really hard and not be completely satisfied
Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.