girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s texas chainsaw massacre.
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I don’t care if they repeal student loan forgiveness. I’ve forgiven myself. I’m not paying them
Husband: *leaves to run an errand*
Me: *crosses out “get husband to leave” off to-do list*
You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car
Welcome to marriage. He had a dream I made salmon pot roast and woke me up just to tell me how terrible it was.
What do we want?
ROCK HARD ABS!
When do we want them?
THE DAY AFTER THE HOLIDAYS ARE OVER!
Did I break my fitbit record? yes
Did my kid take over wearing it halfway through the day? also yes
I am a fool everyday I don’t need a holiday for it
Yeah, I experimented in college. I tried beet chips.
“can’t you take a hint?” bro I don’t even understand literal stuff
“Well, this is me,” I say climbing into a plant so that we’re no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye
I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”
just stood up and my knee popped so loudly my neighbor’s dog barked in case Marvel or DC is looking for a new superhero franchise
Taking spiders outside to “help” them, buddy this is their house you weren’t born here
adopting a pet chicken and naming them gregory peck
My husband purchased a world map and then gave me a dart and said, “Throw this and wherever it lands—that’s where I’m taking you when this pandemic ends.”
Turns out, we’re spending two weeks behind the fridge.
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
1yo: *walking*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
6yo: *riding two-wheeler*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
16yo: *pouring milk into cereal without spilling*
ROBIN: do you go to church
CATWOMAN: yeah i’m catholic
ROBIN: what’s a holic
marvel comics have peaked
Wife: when did we get a new dishwasher
Me: u said change the dishwasher & stack the baby
Wife: how do u stack a baby
Me: u get other babies
I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.
Giving someone a tour of a company I don’t work at and describing every single employee as “our lion tamer”
I counted the yard signs in my neighborhood, and “ADT Home Security” is going to win in a landslide.
With a dog, you have a glimpse into parenting. With a cat, you have a glimpse into marriage.
I’ve noticed that my parents talk about ‘the good old days’, they always seem to stop at 1979. Which is great, because that’s also the year I was born,wait… What?
my mom only remembers my childhood friends based on the perceived slights they committed against her 15 years ago. I’ll mention a name and she’ll just be like “ah yes, the one with the MUDDY SHOES.”
Eventually, everyone will be quarantined to their houses with no sports to watch… and in 9 months from now a boom of babies will be born… and we will call them the coronials. #Coronials #Youhearditherefirst
I am a mother, of course I talk to myself. I am the only one in this house that listens.
Good morning & happy hump day! Today is also “National Red Wine Day” 🤣🤣🤣
“Why didn’t any of you go back and kill Hitler?”
TIME TRAVELER: We prioritized stopping Zortho the Endless Scourge in 1935.
“Who?”
TT: Bingo