girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s texas chainsaw massacre.
You Might Also Like
Worst part of my old job was drug screenings. Had to tell a guy he was pregnant. Lesson: don’t use your girlfriend’s urine for testing.
Good morning, Twitter 😊
I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.
If our tax money went towards funding healthy fried chicken research, I think we’d all be a little more understanding.
Why does everyone mention that in space no-one can hear you scream instead of mentioning something positive like how no-one can hear u yodel
I still can’t find a place with an alligator infested moat for under $2k/month, but I’m hopeful.
The way to cure your loneliness is to get on out there! But first, be better looking. And stop being yourself, that’s obviously not working.
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
Permission to use your hammer, your honor
It’s a gavel
Permission to use your gavel
Denied
*looks longingly at pile of walnuts & sighs*
“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead
Urban Dictionary defines Heck:
Where you go if you don’t believe in Gosh.
Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t
By all means, autocorrect, let’s respond to my mother’s “Good morning” text with “God, moron.”
The fishmonger at our local market is always pretty unfriendly.
I’d describe him as a little standoffish.
A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream
The news keeps updating everyone on the Queen’s coffin’s location like it’s a package we can’t wait to get in the mail.
Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.
Looks like the concierge is hitting on my wife again but who cares, this cherry danish I’m eating right now is on point nom nom nom!
Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.
to be perfectly honest, loose dogs seem like the lesser issue here
My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all
What kind of monster sits in a rocking chair and doesn’t rock
I tried a little beginner’s yoga earlier. The ambulance should be here any minute.
There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry.
God: I shall call this a tiger
Me: *scratching ‘angry fire zebra’ off my sheet* yeah cool whatever
How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”
Quarantine sucks in a house that’s haunted because a message suddenly appears in blood saying “YOU USUALLY LEAVE AT 7:45.”
the one time i draw them and of course it’s a meme