girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s texas chainsaw massacre.
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*Lysol kills 99.9% of germs on my counter*
LYSOL: “Hey .1% germs…
( -_-)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Tell your friends”
I know we’re not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.
I dunno…maybe the Mars Rover can find all the spoons and bowls in my kids bedroom.
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot…I then went inside and spent $447. Well played, IKEA.
Cop: do you know why I stopped…
Me: *holding up hand for a high five*
Cop: umm okay, *high fives* do you…
Me: *I slowly interlock our fingers*
Cop: what are you, Umm
Me: *i hold eye contact* hi
Cop: *blushing* hi lol
When my wife falls asleep in a public place, I shake her a little and yell, “DON’T YOU DIE ON ME!” People always clap when she wakes up.
very rude of my sister to give birth to twins on the same day we think might be my cats birthday. richard’s spotlight will not be robbed.
The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.
Me: Waiter, there’s a duck in my soup
Waiter: That’s a pond, you’re at a park, I’m just here with my family, will you put some pants on?
5-year-old: I’m supposed to find out more about my hero for school.
Me: Aw, you came to me.
5: Yeah. Can you tell me more about Batman?
Let’s go to bed and do naughty things.
Fast forward to: jumping on the bed wearing our shoes and giggling uncontrollably.
Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job
What did Harry Potter say when he was filling up his car?
Expensive Petroleum.
Coworker: how was your thanksgiving?
Me: ……….. I assume you want me to hear about yours?
Girls will be like, “You don’t mind if I put something of yours in my mouth, do you?”
And then they eat all your fries.
[GOP Debate]
MODERATOR: this question is for Senator Cruz. How will you handle zodiackillersayswhat?
CRUZ: what?
MODERATOR: I knew it!
My fortune cookie fortune:
___________________________
| |
| *ʀᴇᴘʟᴀᴄᴇ ᴛᴏɴᴇʀ* |
|__________________________|
Extra car key
Extra house key
Extra storage unit key
Key to an extra apartment with a liquor cabinet– Keys to a successful relationship
Halloween and Valentine’s day are pretty much the same thing… people dress up and pretend to be someone they’re not for some sugar
My aunt said she was thankful for the best family in the world and I said “when are they coming?” and it MURDERED.
mandolin: finally a violin for men
my son and I accidentally ended up on different teams in laser tag and every time I shot him he said “wow” in a dramatic disappointed voice
I always order shredded iceberg lettuce on my Subway sandwich because I know my lap is probably hungry too
My assistant is eating her pizza with a knife and fork, yet eating her salad with her fingers by picking through and finding the specific vegetable she wants.
Some people come into our lives only briefly
Some touch our hearts and will always be with us
And some people regularly say “Friyay” and need to be cut off immediately
Maybe my washing machine keeps telling me it has one more minute left in the cycle because it’s connected to the wifi and doesn’t want to stop scrolling TikTok.
[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?*Refrigerator hums loudly*
I finally wore the shirt my boyfriend bought for me last Christmas and he asked if I was wearing a new shirt and that my friends is what relationships are all about
captcha starting to give us tasks like we’re in a saw movie or something.
Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second