girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s The Exorcist
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Getting a cat is SO much easier. Go outside. Put cat food out. Pet whatever comes to eat it. Best 30 raccoons I’ve ever had. Also rabies.
Most problems can be traced back to the day you were forced to watch your teacher put a condom on an unsuspecting banana
[marriage counseling]
Ginny- He always hides from our problems.
Therapist- Is this true?
Harry- *puts on invisibility cloak* No.
Contact me if thereâs an emergency. This includes if youâre planning on giving your pet a stupid name.
Right about now, family members all over the country are realizing the Starbucks cards I gave them for Christmas are empty.
I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited
You excited to watch the Super Bowl?
“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”
[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]
KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal
Me: Family?
Mark Wahlberg’s mom: Marky Mark! It’s time for a snacky snacky before you take a nappy nap.
Mark Wahlberg: Jesus, mom. I’m 44. What snack?
“Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way.”- Ludacris’s cousin, Kurteous
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you are looking for a great new way to relax, give âsittingâ a try! I recently tried sitting and it’s the ideal solution for when you’re tired of standing up but not quite tired enough to lie down đ
Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?
Me: Here Cap.
Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?
*paw prints all your dogs to figure out which one ate my sandwich when I went to the bathroom*
I’ve lost my boyfriend! He’s in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.
I told a 5th grader during the school costume parade that I liked her Beetlejuice costume and she said she liked mine too but Iâm not wearing one. Today she made a very mediocre enemy.
I used to hate flying. I thought the plane would go down. But now I just bring my wife with me on the plane because my wife never goes down.
Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.
Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir thatâs a last date. Thatâs how people get murdered.
culinary school students be like âbruh i got spaghetti due at midnight đ°â
Got kicked out of the Navy Seals for splashing the other guys in the pool
My brother in law is devastated that he didnât get into the next London marathon.
Iâve never related to anyone less.
Good news! I only ate one slice of pizza. Bad news: I did that four times in a row.
If you haven’t told your kids that wine is made out of whiny children then congratulations I guess you’re a better parent than me.
[La Brea Tarpits]
ME: *gesturing for tour members* the stegosaurus was the calzone of dinosaur times
SECURITY: sir, hang on to the life hook or youâll sink like your Segway
I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?
Soooo, if the string breaks off…do you just make yourself sneeze so that it shoots out?
Female cashier: [stares at me]
*rings up tampons*
if you think electrolytes are good you should try the electroheavies
Get yourself a cat who can do plumbing đđž
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they arenât being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
I waited around all morning for the mailman so I could grab his hand through the mail slot.