girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s The Exorcist
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[christmas]
BROTHER: [unwraps giant foam hulk hands] Awesome!
ME: [unwraps Mark Ruffalo hands] This sucks.
My 5-year-old, “can I say bad words in my brain.” I said yes. She’s just standing there with the biggest smile. Pretty sure she’s saying bad words.
Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.
weird email i got today
Congratulations to the people who never took their Christmas decorations down you’re almost there
“Are you ready to rock?”
Scissors: no
Therapist: Ok so what brings you both here?
Me: Well apparently I make her life a “living hell”
My guardian angel: *sobbing uncontrollably*
April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.
God: you’re a koala bear.
Koala: yay I love bears!
God: but you’re not a bear.
Koala: oh.
God: yeah.
Koala: this is awkward.
God: it’s just bears have certain criteria.
Koala: so you’re saying I don’t meet the koalafications : )
God:
Koala:
God: that pun was beary bad.
[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry
*Hearing my kids fighting upstairs
once I can run up those stairs without getting winded, it’s so over for them
My son proposed to his fiancée about six months ago and she said yes. They’re super happy, we love her family too. I just found out today that another girl is in love with him and plans to propose next week…. should I say anything? Oh and also, he’s 4. They’re all 4.
“Are you sexually active?”
No
“Any drug use?”
No
*doctor laughs, does the jerk off motion and leaves*
A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.
I was having a good weekend until my plans got cancelled.
Now I’m having a great weekend.
[rejected dialogue from star trek II: the wrath of khan]
khan: revenge is a dish with a dried glob of food on it that won’t come off no matter how hard you scrub
Person drinking Smart Water: It’s like I’m being smart about what I put in my body.
Me, mouth full of Smartees: We’re so much alike.
if i ever call you “my love” “my darling” “my dear” please know that i dont mean it in a romantic way i mean it in a dracula way
forged some of the most powerful bonds of my entire life on the beach like this
Here lies a mother, her struggle was valiant but in the end the laundry pile was too big and she couldn’t claw her way out
[shows her my bedroom]
And this is where the magic happens…
[starts doing that trick where it looks like my thumb is coming apart]
I don’t know much about physics, but I do know that cookout smoke will blow in whatever direction people are sitting.
Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.
I was in a debate and someone defended their position by saying, “Opinions can’t be wrong”
I said, “In my opinion, opinions CAN be wrong. Thus proving the existence of at least one wrong opinion.”
First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.
Penguin 1: [staring sadly out of plane window]
Penguin 2: [supportively puts a flipper on his shoulder] there’s no shame in arriving at the annual bird convention by plane, Colin
Husband: *gives me two pancakes*
Me: Hey! These paper plates say they hold up to 2 lbs of food.
Husband: And?
Me: Keep stacking, buddy.
Me at 18: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
Me at 34: If I don’t get some sleep, I’m going to die.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
whoa.. whoa… whoa… we ain’t flying anywhere until you get some damn pants on
