girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s The Exorcist
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Warm welcome to all my new followers from last night when I changed my avi to a skinny brunette from Pinterest
*3:30 am
House alarm: whose turn is it to freak her out?
Smoke alarm: I had last week
Alarm clock: Already malfunctioned last month.
HA: Water heater?
WH: *recirculation pump squeals* Got it!
Me: *almost falls out of bed*
HA: HAHAHA! Good work!
January 2020: New year, new me.
May 2020: *primal scream*
I’m tired of conventional beauty standards that say I can’t wear a ski mask in a bank
*goes to pond*
*duck hands me $100*
“Give me the hard stuff.”
*hands over bag of croutons*
Welcome to parenting. Here is your collection of markers that have run out of ink, which you will inexplicably hold onto for a minimum of 2 years.
Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.
Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.
Him: So tell me something about yourself.
Me: If you spell it backwards it’s flesruoy.
Him: What?
Me: If you add the letter p to it you can spell profusely.
Someone flipped me off so I threw my wallet at him and said “I love you.”
He didn’t even die.
Killing people with kindness is hard.
Mario Bros. Plumbing ★☆☆☆☆ (69 Reviews)
Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfri….
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My head feels like something Picasso would have drawn.
Melania Trump doesn’t want to live in the same place as her husband.
More than half of America feels the same way.
Cop: License and registration
Me: Sure. *opens glove compartment; twenty eight packs of expired ketchup, three pairs of sunglasses and the Crown Jewels of Ireland fall out* Sorry. Just a sec
ME: I know a good amount of things
CROSSWORD PUZZLES: lol
They think they may have found Amelia Earhart’s plane. Gosh, I hope she’s alright.
Didn’t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.
I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”
Asked a vegetarian if she’d heard this song, then remembered vegos are too weak to turn on radios and way too busy playing with their lutes.
every youtube essay now is called “the secret, untold history of toothpaste” then proceeds to read off the wikipedia page for toothpaste
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
My son keeps insisting that this kid at his daycare is stronger than me. It’s one of those silly arguments you get sucked into as a parent before you realize that a simple arm wrestling match with the three year old will prove your superiority beyond a shadow of a doubt.
Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder
If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.
Mechanic: the front shocks are shot. Did you hit a pothole?
Me: yes but I winced, patted the dash & said I was sorry so it can’t be that.
My editor dislikes my use of contractions but it’s what it’s
I can eat 47 deviled eggs without throwing up.
Don’t ask how I know this.
[millipede preschool]
head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes…
I had a fight once. “You should see the other guy!” I said. My wife agreed. She’s been seeing him for years now, they’re a lovely couple.
kinda fun if literal: earwigs
Me: How can I make this funny?
Them: Change what funny is.