Girls will be like, “You don’t mind if I put something of yours in my mouth, do you?”
And then they eat all your fries.
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the three bears:
Goldilocks: your house is a total disgrace it’s like you gave no consideration to what I, the trespasser, might like
My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”
first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
Wow, it’s a shame that I’ve already accepted another job.
Cats be like “I know a spot” and proceed to take a nap on the important papers you are working on to meet a deadline.
“Help yourself!”
– people who don’t want to help you
3 yr old: Grandpa, did your parents name you grandpa?
You should always wear a helmet if you ride a motorcycle, bicycle or ski or talk about politics.
Hey u should give your secret boss this Coke. *bottle says “Share a Coke w/ the Drug Maker Guy”* *undercover cop’s fake mustache falls off*
I’m not sure what my wife thinks I do in the bathroom, but I appreciate all her support
Every time my phone rings tomorrow I’m going to answer it with “911, what’s your emergency?”
A week into my bathroom reno has taught me that anyone that willingly buys fixer-uppers is a sociopath
Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”
Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.
Her: I don’t believe I threw it.
*teaches nephew about the telegraph*
him: people could already text and we still invented the telephone?
I got a car wash 5 days ago and it hasn’t rained yet. Who broke the weather?
The Secret Service was chasing me but I painted a tunnel on the side of a wall and they all ran into it
I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.
It’s nice that lions don’t mind looking like 80’s rock stars.
AMERICA: We don’t need the metric system, our measurement system is fine
AMERICAN MEASUREMENT SYSTEM:
“Google Earth gives you the freedom to journey across the ocean and take an intimate look at the pyramids.”
*Googles my ex’s house*
[animal noises] it’s only those with a destination who can be lost
I’m hungry – like I could eat a hot fudge sundae. Ok – I’m driving to the supermarket. Because I’m a motivated doer.
The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .
hid some cash in the house for emergencies and now I can’t find it
Wife: What are you gonna do today?
Me: Shower.
W: …what else?
M: Make a new iTunes playlist.
W: Wow.
M: Might not have time for a shower.
[answering machine]
“Hi Mom, leave a message”
Once upon a midnight dreary, While I pondered my next mealy, Came an empty tapping, a rapping at my pantry door. Quoth the Ramen “ever poor”
Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.
Honestly, the food pyramid seems pretty well balanced no matter what food goes on top.