Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nice empty fish tank
It’d be a shame if someone were to FILL IT WITH SNAKES!
*the terrarium is invented*

Daughter singing: In your hand… In your hand.
Me: Zombie? It’s in your HEAD.
D: No! The car keys you’ve been looking for the last 10 mins.

I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.

HIPSTER COP: I pulled you over because of the volume
ME: *turns down stereo* Sorry
HC: Not that. What products do you use in your hair?

If by yoga you mean reaching the outlet to plug in my charger without getting out of bed, then yes, I do yoga

me: *handing James Bond a mug of blended olives and vermouth* yeah I don’t know how to do either of those

“the rat is not ratatouille, the rat’s name is remy” is the 2000s version of “his name is not frankenstein, he’s frankenstein’s monster”

Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.

Dentist: You can rinse now.

I feel like I’m getting dumber. Like, my memory sucks, and I feel like I’m using half my brain. So I googled it, and it sounds like “brain fog.” There are simple steps to help relieve it. Diet, exercise, plenty of sleep. So what I’m saying is, I’m probably gonna get dumber.

Wife: how’d you get that burn on your arm??
Me (looking fabulous): not from your curling iron

Came home to find our Roomba had gone rogue, stolen our bath mat and crashed into a wall, before giving up and dying

quite the party

She died doing what she loved. Taking six different orders for eggs from her kids.

I wish I had half the determination and persistence of Adobe reader updater.

All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.

writer: ok so a guy and girl named jack and jill

editor: ugh 2 lame white kid names. fine, go on

writer: well, they go up a hill

editor: i’m already bored

writer: to fetch a pail of water

editor: kill me

writer: no trust me it gets better

To some, it’s known as “soda.” Some call it “pop.” Some even order it as “coke” or “cola.” The spicy bubble brown juice goes by many names

Imagine if Trump becomes President and we are invaded by aliens.

Alien: Take us to your leader.

America: *Looks ashamed* Are you sure?

A dying fire will always attract a dad with a stick who will poke it twice and say, “…that should do it.”

Why I still can’t play Chess:

Older brother trying to teach me: “And this piece is?”

Me: “Horse.”

OB: “…the Knight.”

Me: “Ah, but see how I remember it is it moves horseizontally.”

OB: “I need you to go away now.”

Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog

I’ll never get picked for jury duty because I’d be the one on trial…..

Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job

Me: Whats the salary?

10k now and will increase to 25k later

Me: Ok then, I will come later

This should not be this funny I am sorry😭😭😭

When faced with a dilemma, I just whisper softly to myself

” What would Homer Simpson do?”

Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?

a crowd trying to stone me to death but i keep catching them in my pockets

“After seeing the way these common processed foods are made, you’ll never want to eat them again!”

I ate grass when I was little because I thought I was a horse. I guarantee you my care of what goes into my body is much lower than you give me credit for.

I think Twitter is baiting me with flattery when it says, “We’ve selected a small group for feedback.”

Niece: found these handcuffs in your drawer.
Me: yea I got arrested once
Niece: omg why
Me: for going through my aunt’s drawers.