Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Telling my boss I wasn’t drunk at work really backfired. I probably should have waited until he asked.

Girl: I want bangs
Me: I want a stylist to get my hair as close to antlers as possible. Make me look like a young prince of the wooded glen

DOG 911: What’s your emer-

DOG: HE THREW A BALL BUT I CAN’T FIND IT

DOG 911: He still holding it?

DOG: YES! HOW’D HE FETCH IT BEFORE ME??

Sad how shallow some women can be. I was informed the girl I like said she’d NEVER date a guy w/ a job like mine. Sorry I’m not some hot shot lawyer or doctor. Idk, maybe embezzling money from a children’s cancer research fund isn’t the most prestigious job but it pays the bills

Kids: What’s for supper?

Me: Well, I didn’t have the ingredients to make a traditional Irish boiled dinner, so I’m just using what we’ve got.

[5 mins later]

Wife: WHY ARE THERE 6 HOT POCKETS BOILING ON THE STOVE

I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.

its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad

We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.

Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine

If there are no verbs in your tweet you’re a rebel without a clause. If there are no commas in your tweet you’re a rebel without a pause and if you are a cat who juggles chainsaws then you’re probably a rebel without paws.

Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.

My sister: *saying what name she has picked out for her baby*

My 10-year-old, in no uncertain terms telling her not to name her baby that: I met a horse with that name.

When mad at the hubby, I just tweet about it. I don’t sleep with a waitress that looks just like him. I’m talking to you David Arquette.

Mario: YAHOO!! *throws banana peel at another cart, eats a mushroom*

Me: This. This is why I don’t take you grocery shopping.

[Job Interview]
Interviewer: So tell me about your hobbies.
Me: Well I really enjoy minding my own goddamn business.

Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic

My life hack? If you buy a Rubik’s cube and never touch it they’ll never know you can’t solve it.

why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex

found my next D&D character name

Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.

My Dad has accidentally bought 60 pairs of reading glasses off the internet after misreading the quantity of his order.

You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?

That’s how I’m handling adulthood.

I’m a puzzle wrapped in an enigma hidden inside a set of Russian Nesting Dolls, so deep, so profound that – what? Yes, I’ll have fries.

half the posts I see are people planning to go completely feral this summer and the other half are folks concerned that they’ll be permanently agoraphobic. I, for one, will be doing both

there should be a drug that makes you addicted to cleaning the apartment

[enter password]

“dog”

[password must be longer]

“dachshund”

Don’t waste your money on lip plumping glosses. Just eat ghost pepper chicken.

[New Job Diary]
Day 1: They all seem very ni-SOMEONE TOOK MY LUNCH MY LUNCH IS GONE SOMEONE STOLE MY-oh wait nvm there it i-MY STAPLERS GONE

Barbies and voodoo dolls are not interchangeable. I know this. My daughter knows this.

My daughter’s enemies? You better believe they know this.

*throws smoke bomb, but when the smoke clears I’m just on the floor taking a nap*