Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

1st day of hunting season:
*puts on camo*
*climbs up in tree stand*
*waits w/binoculars to see one hunter accidentally shoot another hunter*

Me: My neck is a little stiff

Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis

lawyer: “my client claims the altercation began because – and i quote – “he came at me sideways”
crab: “in my defence..”

I’m not saying that asking your kids to clean will always make things worse, but I asked my 4yo to clean his muddy shoes and found him standing naked in a full bathtub polishing them with his toothbrush

Alas, my disappointment when I walked into Banana Republic and wasn’t greeted by Chancellor Banana Bananason

[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?

While we’re all distracted by AI and the fear of a robot uprising, the real enemy is quietly gathering its forces.

Trapped in a crevice. “Go on boy, get help.” The dog chews off my one free arm. “Ok yeah bring that back to town I guess”

My boyfriend is not gay!! So please next time you see him with some girls dnt come telling me.

My ex bf used to call me queen of the worms when I was being lazy and he meant that I was an enormous worm that wouldn’t get out of bed but I always heard it as like, I am an earthen goddess one with the soil, worms for hair, command of all wormkind

“No YOU’RE a nerd” I say, as I finish carving my cheddar cheese Millennium Falcon

the best thing to throw at your spouse when you’re having a fight is a croissant cuz he’ll try to catch it in his mouth but it comes back to you like a boomerang & that’s just a delicious way to end a marriage . you’re welcome .

I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.

Man Who Didn’t Order Anything Online Still Checks Name On Package Just In Case Amazon Sent Him A Little Present

Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.

We’ve got two options: clean and vacuum, or stop wearing our glasses around the house.

Nurse: you’ve been in a coma for three months

Me: oh boy! I can’t wait to see Coldplay in concert

Nurse (standing 6 feet away): there’s something you should know

Me: what?

Nurse: Coldplay sucks

how about no fine and just a warning for the first offense

Ya know when you buy a bag of of salad and it gets all brown and crusty…. cookies don’t do that

I love using phrases like “knowing is half the battle” so my kids think I’m wise beyond my years, because they have no idea I took it from a cartoon.

Thank god my brother’s getting his PhD, I was running out of ways to disappoint my parents.

Neighbor: Little early for Halloween isn’t it?

Me: *removing a skeleton from my trunk* What’s a “Halloween?”

WIFE: We want to renew our vows.
ME: *hands priest paper*
WIFE: We wrote them ourselves.
PRIEST: *pointing* What’s this word?
WIFE: “Combatant.”

I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?

Don’t you hate it when you trip and fall and an entire pizza accidentally jumps into your mouth?

I bet when toy makers are coming up with ideas they focus on how much they hated their parents.

whats the most professional email sign off that implies if you have to follow up in any way you’re prepared to put the recipient in a wood chipper? for me it’s thanks.

I may forget what I opened the fridge for but I remember every time anyone has ever wronged me

I could NOT have put it better myself.

you visit my house and within moments i offer you strawberry shortcake. you decline but i put an entire cake on the table and begin cutting it. you are confused. it takes me 45 minutes to eat the entire thing alone and we do not speak