girls will post pictures with “my day one💘💓” and it’s just some girl named Sarah that they met at the bar last week
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When you hear those 4 awful words:
‘Break into small groups’
If you ever feel dumb, take comfort in knowing I was listening to music on my airpods while vacuuming and did 3 rooms before I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.
Everyday is talk like a pirate day if you’re committed and annoying enough
Inventor of the table: I wish the floor was closer but like not all of it
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
In the movies, when the bad guy takes someone out to forest at gunpoint and tells them to dig, WHY do all the victims-to-be dig?
I say let ‘em shoot you, and they can dig the damn hole themselves.
Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning
Got kicked outta Starbucks for trying to order a venti mocha choca latta ya-ya creole lady marmalaaaaaaaaade.
Licked a frog once.
He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.
I knew someone who shared a birthday with her brother, and their sister’s birthday was the day before, and I always felt like that gave me way too much info about their parents
GUY (whose car died): can u help me? I need a jump
ME (pulling a trampoline out of my trunk): im always prepared for emergencies like this
(Boarding flight to Iowa)
9 yo: what kind of food do they eat in Iowa?
12 yo: corn on the cob
9 yo: what else?
12 yo: corn off the cob
usher: bride or groom
me: just a guest
usher: no which are you here for
me: neither I’m married
honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah
“I’ll have a rum and coke”
Is pepsi ok?
“Sure whatever”
*hands you a pepsi and coke*
Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?
Rebecca Black: *inhales*
Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.
Stop saying “you can’t make this stuff up“. You can make anything up. Watch this: a breakdancing beaver wearing a top hat. A peanut butter and thumbtack sandwich. A baby doing calculus. It’s easy.
I hope my enemies are walking around in wet socks.
Nobody’s abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.
Fruit ninja: [about to strike]
Surprise car chase: [destroys fruit stand]
Fruit ninja: omg seriously
I don’t really ever worry about being kidnapped because my 6yo would just find me and ask for a snack.
*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*
I’m ready for Halloween this year
mother-in-law (on FB): I’m tired of everyone being so condesending
*wife tackles me before I can write “you spelled ‘condescending’ wrong”*
My daughter lost her first tooth today and has not stopped crying since. Why she didn’t punch me back I have no idea
boss: what are u doing
me: *pretends to read email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”
When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?
6yo: Your hair looks pretty every day.
Me: Well, thanks.
6yo: Can I have some chips?