girls will post pictures with “my day one💘💓” and it’s just some girl named Sarah that they met at the bar last week
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Hearing them call a 25 year old hockey player a ‘veteran’ and a 28 year old player ‘old’ has done zilch for my self esteem today
[walmart]
GREETER: hello 🙂
ME: [leans in close] what’s the cheapest toilet paper you got
GREETER: i don’t know offhand
ME: you’re disgusting
Social distancing in Australia:
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.
Sometimes you just have to throw away a few sheets of perfectly good printer paper so it can hide all the candy wrappers in your trash can.
When you’re on the couch being all comfy, snuggled under a blanket, a glass of wine on your left, a bag of chips on your right, the cat is sleeping on your lap, and you realize you forgot to put the remote within reach.
That’s the moment you wish you had kids.
I don’t like to say “bless you” when someone sneezes because I don’t know if they’re religious or not. So instead I just say “I hope you never do that again”
*teaching 13 to cut the grass
Me: Go back and forth across in straight lines, slightly overlapping so you don’t miss any spots. Got it?
13: Yep
13: *cuts three circles, two triangles and a Rhombus into the yard.
ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me
JELLYFISH: *to friend* Want to see something disgusting? Watch this.
*stings person*
FRIEND: That wasn’t dis…
JELLYFISH: Wait a minute.
If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.
I think I’m going to Bangladesh.
Ladesh: I have a boyfriend.
Someone asked if my niece was my sister and the look of pleasure on my 40 year old face was matched only by the look of horror on her teenage face
Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.
Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.
Me: Ooh, I’d love to go to your party, but I have a dentist appointment.
Her: On a Saturday night?
Me: I’ve got really bad teeth.
spot the difference
Me: My beautiful daughter, I would cross oceans and move mountains for you. I would fly into the darkness if I knew it would make you happy.
Daughter: Can I have a Dorito?
Me: I’m sorry but these are, unfortunately, my Doritos.
Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? I would look pretty stupid walking around the grocery store with 12 baskets.
I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.
my love language is feeding you rotisserie chickens with my bare hands at 4am while you’re asleep.
Boss: You’re looking a little scruffy lately, you need a trim.
Me: Sorry, I don’t shave too often because of the razor burn.
(later, shaving)
Razor: LOL you call that a beard? My grandma has more chin hair than that, you suck!
My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.
mom: why didn’t you answer your phone?
me: i was driving
mom: where are you now?
me: walking the dog
mom: you need better excuses
me: it’s the truth
mom: then put the dog on
me: he’s uh driving
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands
*packs for wall 3 feet away
*has an amazing time at wall
Turns out, it’s hard to say ‘Whoopdeedoo’ without sounding sarcastic.
I just remembered the time I was dating a British man and I was annoyed at him about something so I deliberately made my tea in the microwave while staring him right in the eyes
Can’t believe I have to spend the rest of my life living the rest of my life
getting seasonal up in here
