Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My walk of shame is leaving a handicapped restroom stall while trying not to make eye contact with the wheelchair guy who was waiting on me.

my husband has been taking sailing lessons and instead of putting it on our calendar like a normal person he prefers to stand up abruptly, stare out the window, and proclaim “I must go to the sea!”

Ghosts are always depicted in Victorian garb which is a pretty singular view of death bc people are dying all the time, like how about a ghost from the 2000s like “being dead is NOT awesomesauce, hey what season of Firefly are they on now?”

I exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors.

Jehovah’s fitness.

My son just lost a tooth and wants money, not soy sauce packets this time.

I’m into all kinds of spirits: the paranormal kind and the drinking kind.

*sets the mood with candlelight, flowers and the pepto bismol jingle

I want a pet otter just so I can introduce it as my otter half.

[On the phone with my bookie]

Put it all on Jesus and let it ride

I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”

[1st date]

[to self] Don’t let her know ur a boa constrictor

Her: “How’s your meal?”

[i’ve dislocated my jaw & swallowed the whole table]

I want my house to be tidy enough so that if people stop by unannounced, it doesn’t look like I adopted a bear with a jug stuck on its head.

me: how do i use this inhaler?

doctor: you suck.

me: i’m trying sorry

A bridesmaid, but to carry the end of my CVS receipt.

Me: Can I please be 7? It’s my lucky number.

Policeman: Get in the damn line up.

Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?

I use these ( … ) a lot.
For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.

me: *gets down on one knee* will you help me make this tree house into a tree home?

girlfriend : *shouts from the ground* I can’t hear you, why can’t I just come up there?

me: no girls allowed

[engineer looking at blueprints]

“Well, here’s your problem right here. You built this thing on rock and roll.”

[playing 7 minutes in heaven]

doctor: ok lol plug him back in now

Me: I stay up late and tweet for AUSTRALIA! Wooooo!

Australia: no need to, we’re good

Go to an open house and ask the realtor if they’ll stand in the basement with the door closed so you can hear if screams are audible outside

*replaces birthday candles with flamethrowers for fun*

*wakes up in Emergency*

My boyfriend thinks I ask “dumb questions” like “would you love me if I were a worm” and then turns around and asks me shit like do I think it would be funny if he started doing Patrick Bateman’s care routine as a bit

Just walked up to a white van in the parking lot and it literally sped away.

*Blindfolds myself
*Rage eats candy

I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.

Them: The meek shall inherit the earth

the meek: *looks around* umm, I’m good

me: help! that guy stole my identity!
also me: no i didn’t

a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco