Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you
You Might Also Like
When someone tells me to ‘Take Care’ I’m all like: Are you threatening me muthafucker? Then we laugh & laugh & then I kill’em, just in case.
He died doing what he loved,
sleeping with one leg outside of the sheets.
Appears Hallmark doesn’t make a card for Condolences to a hot widow, for the untimely death of her elderly husband, under somewhat suspicious circumstances, and who may in fact be a person of interest.
“What’d you do today”
“Went on a treasure hunt”
“I hope you mean job hunt”
“Treasure hunt”
“You need to find a job”
“Not if I find treasure”
Badminton implies the existence of Goodminton and Alrightminton.
I didn’t realize how much I loved Ben Franklin until my son said “all he did was invent electricity concepts with that kite and key” – I said HE INVENTED SO MUCH MORE, YOU TAKE THAT BACK
My son has to write 5 sentences tonight.
Our family thanks you for your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
i did the math
If God hates gays so much, why didn’t he put it in the ten commandments? Instead he’s more pissed that you’re jealous of your friend’s PS4
Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.
Doctor: I’m afraid we will have to remove part of your colon.
Me: So I’m gonna be a semicolon? LOL
Doctor:
[Bush’s Best Bean HQ]
Security guard: sir do you have business here?
Jack: I uh I’m waiting for someone
SG: *on walkie talkie* I think we may have a bean stalker
Sorry I called your baby ugly
I should have just gave the more socially acceptable “Aww.. looks just like you!”
This could’ve been an email.
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger & I realize, Oh my God…I could be eating a slow learner.
Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.
[High School Reunion]
Me: Those were the days, right?
Mrs. Miller: You left out Thursday that time.
angel: what should zebras look like?
god: completely innocent
angel: ok
god: they could do no wrong
angel: got it
god: so paint ‘em like the hamburglar
I regret to announce that my five year old is responsible for the nation’s ketchup shortage.
Me: Can I get a sick note?
Doctor: Here u go.
Me:
Note: *coughs*
“I don’t know, it needs a little something. Hand me the garbage pail, Lorraine.”
We’re watching a true crime show here about women who kill their husbands and my wife is taking notes. Omg I think she wants to be a detective, you guys.
Exercise gives you energy but you need energy to exercise. Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me
HUSBAND: Can you hand me the salad spinner?
ME: Give me a second, I need to finish drying my panties first.
[her thinking to herself in the restaurant] he seems nice and normal
[me thinking to myself] she let the waiter twist her pepper 8 twists??
someone just broke into my house and inhaled all my air guitars
For April Fool’s Day, Pizza Hut Taiwan has rolled out a “flavorless” pizza, which is just a giant hole with nothing inside
My kids are old enough to stay home by themselves, so most of my day is spent refreshing Google Earth to see if my house is on fire.
This is your brain-
*holds out egg*This is your brain on drugs-
*puts egg on ground, spins it while shining lazers on it*
ICEBERG: heard about ernie?
ICEBERG 2: yep…clobbered by a cruise ship
ICEBERG: gotta be careful—damn things are 86% hidden above the surface