Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: most people don’t use their middle names

machine kelly: it just feels dumb this way

Want to feel old? This is what the vampires from Buffy the Vampire Slayer look like now.

The KANYE went down to the very KANYE street to buy a new KANYE for only $KANYE dollars. “KANYE?” he asked.
– Kanye West doing a Mad Lib

“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People

If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.

Shoutout to the wife for stacking her shampoo bottles in the shower like she’s on her last 3 turns on Jenga.

I could never be a map maker. Not because I think it’s hard, I just don’t know how tf to spell meditarainian.

bugs bunny: i’m asking lola to marry me, i need a ring

jeweler: how many karats

bugs bunny: however many it takes, my good man, i just love her soo much

There’s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it’s only lettuce 🙁

Them: if you want to lose weight then make sure that you drink plenty of water

Me: so that I spend my whole day peeing and missing out on tasty food?

Hear me out: a candy necklace, but with onion rings.

turn-ons:
• eye contact
• people who pay attention to me
• people who know how to push my buttons
• oh god im a television
• how did this h―

detective: dammit *slams fist on table* tell me where he is

me: [confidently] the Fourth of July picnic

detective: but where exactly?

me: *holding where’s waldo book* oh i’m gonna need more time

All I’m saying is what kind of father would encourage a wayward son to carry on?

BRUCE LEE: Be formless, shapeless, like water.
HARPER LEE: Things are never as bad as they seem.
PARSLEY: I am a stalk vegetable.

JESUS: so I’m u
GOD: yes
JESUS: and ur me
GOD: yes
JESUS: I don’t get it
GOD: I do
JESUS: how can one of us get it & not the other
GOD: whoa

Hey maybe the dark matter in the universe is actually all the money that is owed to freelancers.

Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?

Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERAL

Me: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL

My kid’s high school did a random search of all the lockers today and guess who’s teenager stood in front of her locker and yelled, “SHOW ME THE WARRANT!!”

You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car

No more Geoffreys #GeoffreyBoycott

Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read

*young woman walks by
Wife: Wow, she looks really good, don’t you think?
Me: NO WAY, I’M NOT GOING TO FALL FOR THAT

I think she is an organ harvester 🤔🤔 #tinder #tinderindia

*tucking t-shirt into tighty whities*

Time to seize the day.

*in hell*

satan: dude you gotta stop following me around

me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward

*Chicken strips*

Me: *blushes*

*At the bank
Teller: And how would you like your cash?

Me: Non sequential and in a brown bag.

Teller: You asked to withdraw 20 dollars…

Me: exactly

Teller:…

Me: Can I still have a lollipop?

My son told me that it doesn’t matter what way the towels face when he puts them away and it’s almost like he wants to see my eye do that twitchy thing.