Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I am never angrier with myself than when I realize I accidentally bought scented garbage bags

*coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on*

ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.

Getting closure is important.

*lies on bed to zip up jeans*

gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”

I would throw myself under a duvet for you.

[on a Ferris wheel]

Me: *to my pet ferret* I’m sorry, Joshua, there’s been a misunderstanding

My wife: where the heck did you spend $25,000 last night?

Me:

VITAMIN WATER: we’re like water, but with vitamins

ME: which ones

VITAMIN WATER: well sugar is a vitamin

ME: no it’s not

VITAMIN WATER: what about blue

My 3-yr-old just found a moldy hot dog in the sofa cushions and ate it.

I know I should be horrified, but I’m actually relieved because now I don’t have to make her supper.

“Screw you, my face doesn’t look like that at all” – an actual duck.

dating is scary, what if I put myself out there and I fall in love with someone who’s family plays charades at holiday gatherings

Packing for a 2 day trip like I’m gunna shit my pants 3 times and go swimming

Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad

him: anything to declare

me: i don’t really like soup

everyone else in customs: [GASP]

Dons gloves and bandana.

Saunters into restaurant.

THIS IS A TAKE OUT!

COWBOY: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us.

CITY PLANNER: No this is just the mockup. The actual town will be much bigger.

its weird that when seltzer goes flat it doesn’t turn into regular water. you can still taste that something was Done To It

“your cat will eat you when you die” yeah but he shows infinite grace by making no attempt in the meantime. leave him alone

11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…

Me: Grounded.

I fought the law* and the law* won.

*duvet cover

My Ex is so mean she would train homing pigeons and then move away…

I love it when waiters tell me to tell them when to stop grating cheese on my meal.
It’s cheese, dude. We’ll be here a while.

what I love in every old-timey photo of women dressing up their cats is how peeved the cats look

If you want to take your pet snakes for a walk in the rain, I have a handy instructional video on how to make reptile raincoats out of used condoms.

*Tries new coffee with 300% more caffeine*

“It’s okay. Can’t feel a difference.”

[5 minutes later]

*Throws refrigerator out window*

1yo: Jesus Jesus Jesus!
Me: OMG are you saying Jesus!?
1yo: Jesus!
Me:Oh my God….
1yo: Jesus!
Me: she’s…. a prophet!
1yo: Jesus!!
Me: Show me! Where is Jesus!
1yo:*points* Jesus!!
Me: cheez-its??… cheez-its! You want cheez-its?
1yo: yes! Jesus.

ME: Who is Taylor Swift’s song “We Are Never Getting Back Together” about?

DOCTOR: I meant questions about the vaccine

When he said they’re giving migrants sex changes I nearly spit out my dog

Are 19th Century menstrual pads called period pieces?

My boss is so lazy he just clutched his chest and tumbled down the stairs and now he’s asleep at the bottom.