Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me to my brain- why are you thinking this? Calm down!

My brain- *makes this irrational thought make more sense*

Me- STOP IT

“I can’t wait to nail you later”

*whispers to the new picture I just bought*

Me: *just finished watching Shark Week* Did you know sharks have to swim continuously or they’ll die?

Wife: Yes. Everyone knows that.

Me: It’s kinda like you, but with talking. LOL

Wife:

Me: OMG! Say something!

CAR SALESMAN: How can I help you?
ME: I’m looking to immediately lose money on a terrible investment.
CAR SALESMAN: That’s my specialty.

Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.

*sees cute girl on sidewalk*
nice
*she makes eye contact*
oh wow
*she smiles*
is this happening
*she’s holding a clipboard*
god dammit

Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes

girls don’t like boys who are punctual..

once this girl dumped me because i came early

You can totally cheat during board games with your kids if after 30 minutes, there is no end in sight. I’m looking at you Chutes and Ladders!

Her: Please be on your best behavior.

Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.

“Mommy why does Santa’s handwriting look like the tooth fairy’s handwriting?”

Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.

I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.

if you’re too polite to ask your date to leave just whisper “Mother might be getting cold in the pantry” while staring nervously at your kitchen.

All I’m saying is a hunk of burning love doesn’t sound safe.

My kid is going on an overnight class trip and I told Jenny’s mom I was so excited and she was like “but then we can’t wait for them to get back” and then my face did a funny thing and my fingers accidentally deleted Jenny’s Mom from my phone

My wife: How does a summer road trip with the kids sound?

Me: Sounds like we had a good run.

Me: Do you like this dress or the last one?

Husband: What else do you have?

Me: *eyes narrow*

Husband: The one you’re wearing is great!

Thank god my mom keeps forwarding emails on how best to clean and what foods to stock during the pandemic. I haven’t eaten or bathed since I left her house 19 years ago.

i accidentally became friends with a coworker in their twenties. newsflash: they do not cancel plans at the last minute like ppl in their thirties.

*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*

Werewolf 1: Edibles!

Hello, I dinged your car. The people watching me leave this note probably think I’m leaving you my name & number.
Signed, Guess Who.

#If #I’m #not #following #you #back #this #might #be #the #reason.

*spreads Purell onto my English muffin*

[boy spreads his little arms]
Boy: i love you this much daddy!
Neil deGrasse Tyson: on a universal scale, that is an alarmingly small amount

Movie idea: Channing Tatum and Chris Hemsworth are called on by the US government to take their shirts off and punch people who read books.

1995: I will make multiple trips to the post office and mail off blank cassettes just so I can get a barely audible bootleg of a phish show months later

2022: I will pay 47 dollars for a single chicken sandwich to be delivered so I don’t have to put on pants

Pee after storming area 51 or else youll get a ufo

Coworker: You look tired.
Me: Apparently I also look approachable but I’m really not.