Give a baker flours on your first date.
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I was a far more confident parent when I didn’t have any kids.
Dodo, a bird, an extinct bird
Ray, a pancake from the sea
May, a fly that lives one day
Fox, tells lies on my TV
[My first 4th of July in the States]
Me: so when do we fight the aliens?
Friend: umm, it’s just fireworks and pie.
Me: this is bullshit
I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.
You guys would not believe the roller coaster of emotions I’ve been through
You want just one cow for those magic beans? Idk, I’m suspicious, magic beans sounds like the sort of thing that would cost 2 cows.
Oh, you like Thanksgiving?
Name 3 pilgrims.
[as i lay on the couch doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day]
me: *looks at my cat doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day* oh to be a cat. eating and sleeping all day
“That’s what” – She
Billy Joel: We didn’t start the fire…
Smoky the Bear: No. Of course not. Nobody ever does. *rolls eyes*
It reminds me of the time I walked in on my parents having sex and they tried to convince me they were lying on top of one another to see who was longer.
Got a piece of mail today addressed to “Epic” instead of “Eric” and finally somebody truly gets me.
I love when I learn a new word and use it for the embourgeoisement of my vocabulary
You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.
ME: I declare bankruptcy
CUSTOMS OFFICER: No just like stuff you bought in Mexico
I’m not intimidated by a pretty woman.
I’m intimidated by smart women, who happen to be pretty.
I have never been more inspired by anything than this work of art
Anyone know how soon I should start roasting our Christmas turkey so I can be sure it will be nice and dry enough in time for the big day?
Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.
My neighbor with a toddler is over here telling me what life is like with one kid like I got my children in a 3-pack.
friend: why do u look sad
me: I have wrongdog
friend: what’s wrongdog
me: *big breath in*
me: “we put statues of you in every church and we all wear necklaces in your memory”
jesus: “they better not be of me dying on a cross”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.
Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.
Protip: If your coworker has a picture of herself and her dog labeled “Beauty and the Beast” you shouldn’t ask her which one is which.
Look, you invented bread and I invented knives. Let’s combine forces and we could be the best thing since…well we’ll think of that later.
This is exactly how that old gypsy lady said I was going to die.
Last Halloween I had to explain to everyone that I was not a ghost with a boner, but I was just a ghost and I happened to have a boner.
wish i loved anything as much as my hoodie sleeve loves water.
My teenager just stuck one of her AirPods in my ear and Eminem was playing. She looked me dead in the eye, as if I haven’t blasted this a million times, and had the audacity to ask, “isn’t he good?””