Give a dad a fish and save him a trip to Costco.
Teach a dad to fish and you can throw wild parties while he’s away on fishing weekends.
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So we were deep in conversation about the state of political affairs, when the dog mentioned I might have taken too much cough syrup. Touché
me to the government: no broo I swear I don’t make that much money i promise you bro 😭 😬
me to my landlord: I make so much money big dog you know I’m good for it just let me live here bro you don’t have to worry about me fr I promise 😤🤝
🔥🔥
*wipes off Chapstick
Weigh me now
Cooking hack: Fake your own death. Someone else will cook.
Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.
i imagine the people who slaved for years perfecting the google search algorithm would be so mad knowing i mainly use it now for spellcheck
Met a baby named Phil today. He gave me his business card.
Having to choose between an old guy or a convicted felon is a perfect depiction of what dating apps are Iike
your honor my client would like to plead oopsie daisies
spelling bee judge: your word is respect
me: can you use it in…a song
spelling bee judge: nice try
My favorite part of eating alone at this trendy restaurant was when the waitress asked if I had cats because I had cat hair, “all over.”
Not today, Satan.
Wait, what kind of cookies are those?
Knuckle tats:
(H)(E)(L)(P) (M)(E)(U)(P)
(Gamblers Anonymous meeting)
Leader: Bob, tell us why you’re here.
Me: $20 it’s a Blackjack addiction.
Group: *all rushing to place bets*
OMG a turtle is coming to kill you, Walk for your life.
Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness
I just had my first pole dancing class. Anyone know how to show this new skill without coming across as a complete whore? No?
Whore it is.
This guy walked up to me and said he knew me from somewhere but couldn’t place where. I asked if he’d ever worked in a liquor store and guess what you guys?
*puts on workout clothes*
*opens a jumbo size bag of Doritos*
“It’s just down the street ” – me describing a location 47 miles away
One of my new rescue dogs is really into laying on the couch and watching FRIENDS.
I think he’s my soulmate.
Txt from wife: where r u
Me:kitchen
Wife:can u feed cat
M: I mean garage
W:bring in laundry
M:bathroom
W:clean toilet
M: Idaho
W:get potatos
Hey guys with the super loud mufflers on their cars. I used to put a baseball card in my bicycle wheel spokes.
I was 12.
I’m so pale… I don’t send nudes, I send transparencies
“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs
I have 2 friends that are trying to become models, and I’m just over here with 75 chicken mcnuggets in my cheeks like a squirrel.
Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!
Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
🤝
Dilated Pupils