Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

yogurts should come in a five pack not four pack or make the work week four days

Me: *draws pentagram, chants in latin*

Demon: *possesses me*

Me: *head spins around, neck cracks several times* ahh yeah that’s the shit

Demon: same time next week?

you, an idiot: *eats a snack*

me, an intellectual: *snorts caviar*

I saw a sign that said “Watch for children”

I thought to myself “That sounds like a fair trade”

I will never think of rock paper scissors the same way again.

Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog

Netflix just asked me to rate ‘Spy Kids 2’ and I clicked “I haven’t seen it” but I have. I have seen it. A lot.

[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond

My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?

Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*

My eyelashes are like windshield wipers on my sunglasses.

Last week I ran out of toilet paper and only had a dollar so I bought a pack of gum at CVS.

I haven’t run out of receipt yet.

My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”

My 5 year old just hugged me and said, “Thank you for promising to sleep in my bed with me tonight, Mommy” and that’s why you don’t answer any questions before coffee in the morning

Girl: Cute dog

Me: Thanks he’s my therapy dog

Dog: *taking notes* possessive and codependent

*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid

If you have trouble sleeping, you’re destined to marry someone who falls asleep in 10 seconds and will hate them for it.

Dear microwave companies,

Why make us select “cook” at all? Does my appliance have a calculator function or something?

Sincerely,
Everyone

I picked up 13 from a function tonight and he brought back a whole pizza left over. I ate a slice on the way home. Then I realized oh shit I’m 40 and oh shit it’s 9pm.

What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?

One is a whiny toddler, and the other is a tiny waddler!

Me at 22: you can find me in da club 🎶

Me at 42: you can find me in da tub 🛁

[Alligator feeding at the zoo]
Me: Hey let me do it
Keeper: 1st time?
M: Heck no
*alligator takes me by the arm*
I WAS JUST BRAGGING SAVE ME

“You handled that with such grace” are words that have never been spoken to me.

My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.

I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.

My editor has informed me that I do not know how hyphens work.

I’m not-sure how I feel about-this.

Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’

me: *gets down on one knee* will you help me make this tree house into a tree home?

girlfriend : *shouts from the ground* I can’t hear you, why can’t I just come up there?

me: no girls allowed

Amal Clooney bought hubby George a riding lawnmower for his 55th birthday. I have never been so jealous of a garden tool in my life.

“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry