Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around
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“Let’s go round and introduce ourselves”
#SixWordHorror
BBC:when a women is attracted to a man, she speaks in a higher pitch than normal
That explains why every woman I talk to sounds like Batman
Interviewer: Give me an example of something you took with you from your last job
Me: Toilet paper
I’ve tried playing Jenga with children. But it’s so much easier using the little wooden blocks.
If a really late person marries a really early person they’ll produce an on time child. In theory.
I love selfies. They kill more people than sharks
whenever i watch the tv show Friends, i imagine im the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him
do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence
you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore
if you give a mouse a cookie, he’s going to ask you for a glass of milk.
don’t give it to him.
give him another cookie.
now he’s super thirsty.
he’ll do anything for that milk.
anything.
HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.
Hey.. with the intention of eating half your pizza.
*spraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaays Axe body spray*
~ guys with ponytails
Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?
Why isn’t there ghost dinosaurs? They didn’t all finish their business. They didn’t know the comet was coming.
I don’t care if you’re black or white… old or young… rich or poor… male or female… there comes a moment in everyone’s life when you raise your glass and realize… the damn coaster is still stuck to it…
Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it
Don’t tell me a program may contain nudity. Tell me for sure so I don’t waste my time.
*gets bitten
*becomes shy shy
If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.
Tinder is a food delivery app if you’re good at it.
Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.
Me, seductively: I can tie the stem in a knot using my tongue 😉
Pumpkin patch owner: Get out
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: I can’t wait to see my wife again
PIRATE: Land Ho!
FIRST MATE: Now look, that’s a little rude
just got my engagement photos
You’d think I was wanted for murder the way I react when someone knocks on my door..
There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.
The sacred texts.