Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I know it’s fiction but the logic in The Walking Dead is so skewed it is impossible to suspend disbelief.

An Asian guy named Glenn?

Please

The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️

[LUNCH INTERVIEW]
“Our office attire is formal, is that ok?”
*I adjust my tie and the little tie on my corndog*
Sure.

We’ve taught our puppy to ring a bell whenever she’s wants to go outside so it basically sounds like a Salvation Army Training Facility in here.

Friend: Ugh, this is going to cost an arm & a leg.
Me: *pats backpack* I’ve got you covered. The hospitals just throw these things out.

Coaching softball is wild because you get to call timeouts to teach valuable life lessons or sometimes just because your pitcher lost her tooth and she needs you to hold it for the Tooth Fairy.

So hopping on a bandwagon is bad but falling off the wagon is also bad. Which is it society? Where is the acceptable orientation relative to a wagon?

Drove by a woman with her car broken down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.

My local spa has an oxygen room, which begs the question: what the heck is in all the other rooms?

I saw a guy at Starbucks today.
No iPhone.
No tablet.
No laptop.
He just sat there.
Drinking coffee.
Like a Psychopath.

My daughter should be getting her mid quarter grades soon. I’m excited to see how I’m doing in algebra.

“I wanna know who is responsible for this!”

-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.

me: I’ve got a date tonight and I need all the help I can get

barber: ok

[later]
her: you look nice

barber, from under the table: tell her she looks nice too

The Cranberries. Great band name. You pick a fruit and you get to work.

New parent: So you have been a parent for 4 years. Any insight?

Me: It’s great. Sometimes you want to escape by faking your own death. But I’m sure it’s just a phase.

New parent: Oh, ok. How long does that last?

Me: So far? 4 years.

Please. My wife. She’s very sick.

*first day as Robin Hood

“Ok, this is a TERRIBLE business model.”

Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.

I always make sure the garage door is shut. Wouldn’t want hoodlums stealing the stuff I’ve been meaning to get rid of for years; hell, decades

Prayers for my husband, he married one of those “it’s my birthday month” people.

if this is wile e. coyote again I’m gonna be so mad

girlfriend: [seductively] is there anything new you’d like to try in bed
me: maybe spaghetti but I’d probably make a mess

*at casino*

When he hands you $100 and asks you to go get chips, do not ask him Doritos or Lays. Get both.

It will leave him speechless.

girls in high school: we don’t like you

me: what if i was funny

girls in high school: well that wasn’t really our chief conce-

me: i will become the funniest man in this entire trigonometry class

professor X: what’s your power?

me:

professor X: wow, me too, you’re in.

Mum, that’s not a picture of Jesus

5yo: I know what the middle finger means.
Me: What?
5yo: It’s bad.
Me: It’s alright. You can say it.
5yo: It means you want to fight god.

Nothing more awkward than not calling a girl back after a one night stand and then running into her at your family reunion.

You come home from a long day at work, you want to relax with a movie, you pop in a blu-ray, turn down the lights, press play, and the first thing you see is an angry lion roaring at you. No wonder Hollywood is dying.

“They’re probably more afraid of you than you are of them,” I say, as a snarling pack of wolves attacks my friend Jeff