Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.

{first day as a dermatologist}

DOCTOR: what brings you in today?

PATIENT: psoriasis.

DOCTOR: hey if your peepers are hurting you should prolly see an optometrist, fella.

Alexa: *deep breath*

What did the bra say to the hat? “You go on a head, I’ll give these two a lift.” (I’m back to silly jokes. Probably for the best.)

Someone just replied to a group text from 2019 and managed to confuse the whole neighborhood

When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things

Me: *flirts*

Anyone watching:

[first day as a negotiator]
Me: release one hostage
Terrorist: no
Me: release half of one hostage

Dear ppl in rl, yes, you’re right. Social media is nothing like socializing in rl, but let’s see you try muting someone by a single click.

“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks

*plans eclipse viewing party*
*buys special glasses*
*gets plenty of snacks and drinks*

*wakes up to pouring rain*
*goes back to sleep*

I didn’t get a dog for the love and companionship, I got a dog so I would have an excuse to walk around my neighborhood in my pajamas between the hours of 4 am and 7 am

If you’re gonna get on Mastodon, I would like to apologise in advance for being the guy responsible for posts being called “Toots”. I thought it was funny. And it is, and it’s even funnier that some people hate it. I take it back, I’m not sorry. Ha ha. Toots.

True friendship is when you walk into someone’s house, and your WiFi connects automatically..

Me: Back to school tomorrow! Everyone ready?

14: Yeah, let me check if I have any homework.

He’s been off for 17 days.

The term domestic housewife implies that there is a feral housewife and now I have a new life goal.

trust me bro, no woman has ever looked at your tinder profile and gone “i wish he was holding me like he’s holding that fish”

Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.

Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.

Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.

Me: *rolling up a dollar bill for my coke*

Date: holy shit you can’t do that in here

Me: but I can’t drink it without a straw

what is your skin care routine? mine is mac n cheese

You could never commit the JFK assassination today. You’d be cancelled

The 1st rule of idiom club is loose lips sink ships. The 2nd rule is don’t let the cat out of the bag. Last but not least, the 3rd rule.

doctor: your system is full of drugs

patient: you should see the other guy

doctor: what other guy

patient: you can’t see him

If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread

Marty McFly: *plays Nickelback*

Guess you guys aren’t ready for that yet but your kids are gonna love it.

*returns to the present to find a world without children*

[undercover as a mom]

Me: my little Timmy is 6 years old now

Other moms: *narrow eyes*

Me: *sweating* i meant uh, 72 months

Leia: This is romantic

Han: I know

Chewie: Rwwar

Leia: Does he have to be here?

Han: It’s a life debt. You’re basically marrying us both

Is this:

A. A blue shark

B. A leopard shark

C. A pelagic thresher

D. None of the above

If I was a Spice Girl I would be Mild to Medium Spice

Me: I’m going to shower

6: you’re beautiful! You don’t need to shower!

Me: Aw, than-

6: just some make up would help