Give a girl a fish & she’s like “are u retarded?” Teach a girl to fish & she’s all “i only invited u to my party cause our moms are friends”
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Enrique:I can be your hero baby
Me:I’m good
E:I can kiss away your pain
Me:Nah
E:You can take my breath away
Me: *smothers him with pillow
When you go on vacation because your significant other wants to and you want to avoid a fight.
Placation.
My husband thinks The Bachelor show is fake, they’re all there to be actors, and that it’s total bullshit.
Then he turned to wrestling.
*corporate state run media carnival*
Step right up folks, take your bait!
How low can we go, how low can we go? New lows every day!
Wife: “Tony is coming round”
Me: “Charity collector Tony or Mafia boss Tony?”
Tony: “I’m here for the money.”
*DRAMATIC CLIFFHANGER*
[3am]
no one:
not a soul:
my dog: *wonder if I can break the world record for how loud I lick myself
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.
*Puts on Kool-aid guy pitcher costume outside of a bank*
Friend: This isn’t going to work.
Me: Bank vault here I come. *Charges at wall*
I just paid off a credit card debt with a different credit card & now I get why people rob banks.
My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.
One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.
me: i’d love* to go to your neighborhood block** party, Carol, sign me up***
*hate
**gossip
***i’d rather eat worms
Grind me like corn, so I know it’s meal.
Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything
Watch what you do in front of people. You never know when there might be a documentary being filmed about you and someone says, “He was dipping pieces of rotisserie chicken in tartar sauce and it made my skin crawl.”
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
Therapist: So what steps can you take to break your people-pleasing habits?
Me: Ask my mother what she wants me to do?
Therapist: No.
Me: Sorry. Are you mad at me?
universe: you deserve a break
me: wow thanks
universe: *winks*
me: *tumbles down the stairs*
Adult trick-or-treating: One house gives chocolate, the next gives wine, and the last tells me how to stop killing my plants.
My friends have canceled our dinner plans three nights in a row. I’m starting to think they don’t like dinner.
It’s just a flesh wound…
*looks down at hibachi knives I just pretended I was Master Chef with*
*looks at bystander I just chop chopped*
Welcome to your 40s, you now respond to every younger person telling you their age with “Jesus Christ”.
When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.
My dentist plays country music, so it’s like a double torture.
women in PHLEGM (Philosophy, History, Languages, English Literature, Geography, Music)
💀💀💀💀
Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.
What do you do when your nose goes on strike???
You picket…
