Give a man a baby, and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to baby, and i think this saying only works for fish actually.
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No matter the event, in the Midwest they bring you a casserole. Divorced- casserole. Grandpa died- casserole. You married your first cousin- casserole
There’s no occasion where cheese and canned cream of soup can’t bring everyone together
9-year-old: Can I spend the night at my friend’s house this weekend?
Me: Sure.
9: Can I spend two nights?
Me: You can live there. Just tell her mom to send over the papers.
You can love someone with all your heart and still frequently daydream about hitting them with a shovel ok
Me: they call me Fred Flintstone
Her: *annoyed* because you can make my bed rock?
Me: because you’re gonna turn me down and I’ll have to yabba dabba do it myself
convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”
Me asking everyone how they like their burger before I cook them all exactly the same
It’s fitting to watch a Mike Tyson fight with the picture clarity of an 80’s TV.
Turning on a guy is like flipping a light switch. Turning on a woman is like wiring that switch & then building a nuclear plant to power it.
I think I am adventurous until I have to follow a detour or park in a tight lot
No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨
I’m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose “baby weight” is to have the baby.
Putting all my mental health eggs in the daily word game basket.
GIRLFRIEND: *Crying* My dog died!
ME (who was only dating her because of her dog): So I have more bad news.
Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.
4: Mommy, where do babies come from?
Me: Well, sweetie, when two people tolerate each other very much…
Something good is coming my way I can feel it. Nothing life changing, probably just a hotdog
God please let it be a hotdog
Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project
want to make it creepy? just add in my pants to whatever
Merry Christmas…in my pants
Happy New Year…in my pants
Me: i want a ferraro
Friend: ferrari?
Me: no just one
I got tested this morning for Covid-19. Ouch. Those nasal swabs go deep. Jeez, buy a gal dinner first.
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Amazon.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Shipping. Go to sleep.
Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.
there are only 2 kinds of mayors: the kind you hate for ruining your city and your job and your life. and dogs
Sad? Confused? There’s a nap for that.
You all think your dad’s cargo shorts are lame until you need to smuggle some Reese’s Pieces into the movie theater.
“Because I got high” is actually a song about pilots, who go to high altitudes in their planes every day, and have good reason for not doing all those things in the song.
Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something
5: You guys picked me and 3 as your kids because we’re so good. You could have picked the bad kids that other parents chose.
Me to H: [whispers] Should we tell her that if we could have picked we would have chosen better kids than her and 3?
Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.