Give a man a baby, and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to baby, and i think this saying only works for fish actually.
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would Iove a queer bar called something normal. Instead it’s like here I am spending another night at the gaping hole
her: did you know makeup expires?
me: *spits mine out* what
BARTENDER: *wiping a glass* what’ll it be
ME: I’ll have a dirty martini
BARTENDER: *stops wiping glass*
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
went for a walk, Very pleasant evening. the squirrels and rabbits kept running away from me. that stung a little. I will remember their faces
Me, wet, shrunken, laying in front of the interrupted washing machine, breathlessly clutching a voodoo doll: FOUND IT
fake deep people on this website will post like “do not spend time explaining yourself to people who are committed to misunderstanding you” because they got in trouble for being on their cell phone at work
Spam popsicles.
*follow for more recipes
God: letting you name each other’s breeds was brilliant on my part.
Cat: for the dogs I got Great Dane, Saint Bernard, and Golden Retriever : )
God: nice! your turn Dog!
Dog: oh.
Cat: I’m so excited!
Dog: alleycat.
Cat:
Dog: look I didn’t know we were being serious.
Free will was a bad idea.
I should have charged for it.
“Press the cube root of the 11th digit of pi divided by .5 and doubled if you’d like to speak with a customer service representative.”
Got upgraded to a fancy suite and didn’t want to be judged, so I’m tidying up the room before housekeeping comes to clean
Stranger asks you what time it is = kinda annoying
Stranger asks you what year it is = pretty concerning
Stranger asks you what century it is = extremely exciting
[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows
ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole?
HER: I asked if you were a “people” person
ME: ohhh…definitely not
Guess who doesn’t want to hear your kid sing? Everyone. The answer is everyone, so stop it.
You’re only as smart as the dumbest thing you’ve ever said on the Internet.
“how’d your football team football today?”
those footballers footballed quite well…really good footballin’
If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.
I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner
I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.
[art store]
You do free framing?
“With any purchase”
Ok, just this pencil and [slides a gun with wife’s fingerprints] you know what to do
“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.
This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.
Cats sleep 18 hours a day and only get up to murder.
I respect that.
It’s World Breastfeeding Week and, honestly, babies need to eat more often than that.
“You knew what you were getting into when you had children”
Did I? Did I know that I’d be arguing with a 4yo that we don’t lick peoples feet? DID I KNOW THAT?
I’m in court with another one of those attorneys who licks their fingers before turning every single page in their file.
I do not regret the contempt fine I’m about to receive, but this must stop.
Tragically, I misread her profile. Apparently her favorite position is “reserved cowgirl.”
My ex claimed I had a ‘hero’ complex, but whatever I think wearing my underwear on the outside of my pants is a bold & brave fashion choice