Give a man a catfish and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to catfish and he can have Internet boyfriends in 7 different countries.
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My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.
*5.30 a.m.*
6: Mom, I’ve decided to make breakfast for everyone.
Me *groggily*: Oh, that’s sweet.
6: How many people live in our neighborhood?
Me: GO BACK TO BED!
Me: You know better than to use that bad word.
5-year-old: Yes.
Me: Then why did you?
5: My brain said not to, but my mouth does whatever it wants.
[several months ago]
BEYONCÉ: Kim Kardashian might be having a 3RD baby
JAY-Z: How many we got
BEYONCÉ: One
JAY-Z: Not a problem
Who is the highest ranking officer at the hospital?
General Anesthesia
A fun way to make someone self conscious, is to put a nose hair trimmer in their grocery cart while maintaing full eye contact with them.
Yeah but the way I see it is, I have the rest of my life to exercise but this 350 pack of Oreos from Costco expires in December of 2017.
Smart person: I just read Fahrenheit 451
Me, a jerk: in the rest of the world, it’s called Celsius 232.778
People look at you funny when you put things in their cart at the store.
My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.
Batman: Use this spotlight to call me.
Robin: What if it’s daytime?
Batman: *glares at Robin*
Gordon: Yeah, what if it-
Batman: *smoke bomb*
Urban Dictionary defines Heck:
Where you go if you don’t believe in Gosh.
Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.
Always make sure that you are taking time for self-care. Because, if you don’t love yourself, how are you gonna love somebody else?! 😘 You got this 💪
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#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #personalgrowth #selfcare #safecarequotes
After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.
I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.
I got drunk and went to an AAA meeting. It didn’t help. There were just a bunch of sober people talking about roadside maintenance.
For financial reasons, I’ll be giving everyone birthday gifs this year
We had a pleasant conversation about how we hate talking to people and then he said that this is a good reason for us to…
Me: … fall in love?
Him: … stop talking to each other.
“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers
[First day as villain]
Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]
I love when kids are like “Ah ya gaba boo ma beeba” and their parents are like, “yes that’s right liam we DID have so much fun in New Hampshire last Fourth of July!”
[1st day as undercover cop]
*approaches drugdealer*
Me: “Yes hello I’d like to purchase one crack and two marijuanas please!”
*gets stabbed*
If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out
Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.
Her: How’s your drink?
Me: It’s ok. I can’t taste the alcohol though
Her:That’s cause we’re at the gym and its a protein shake
What base is it when you’re flirting with a woman and she asks, “Are you all right?”
Imagine having a party on purpose.
“Swimming is dangerous, so I wear floaties on my arms for safety!”
[cut to me floating face-down in a pool with only my arms above water]
I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.