Give a man a catfish and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to catfish and he can have Internet boyfriends in 7 different countries.
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i’ve been kidnapped and quickly released easily 6 dozen times
It’s a good thing this pandemic is almost over and we’ll be returning to the office soon because I’m almost out of Post-it Notes at home.
My wife’s been working in our garden for two solid days now. I never realized tomatoes required a big, six-foot-deep hole like that.
INFURIATING COLLEAGUE: Morning people!
ME: Morning…you look good…
IC: Thanks, I feel good!
ME: So much for Voodoo.
IC: What?
ME: What?
Psychic: Bruce Willis was dead the entire time! I did not see that coming at all.
Me: I’d like my money back.
WestJet now charges $25 to book a flight by phone. But it’s way more if you want to book a flight by plane.
A friend was talkin about her expensive face lotion. She said she was confused about it runnin out so fast. She finally asked her husband & he said he wondered why she kept buyin such tiny bottles. Fool was using it on his whole body😭. Said it was silkiest skin era of HIS LIFE
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
Why font matters.
saw a post the other day explaining how killer whales became the #1 predators of cows in Alaska. turns out cows love to eat the kelp churned up by rough seas. also turns out cows get hit by waves and washed out to sea.
also cows float. 😂🐄🦈
I just binge watched the first five episodes of Unscrupulent last night and it’s easily the best show I’ve ever made up in my mind.
Social media is proof that even when you fire your gun in the air, someone will pretend one of those bullets hit them.
Someone being big spoon for me is not enough. I need to get ladled.
Indie bands are always like “we recorded this album at an abandoned spaghetti factory in Providence, Rhode Island.” Why? Why’d you do that? There are recording studios with couches and electricity
I suppose I should be thankful that I’m a single adult. Life would be much more complicated if I were multiple adults.
A hug and slap are both powerful but not everyone deserves a hug.
Finally got to experience my longtime dream today of getting sent the wrong zoom link for a meeting and entering a different, much more important meeting where everyone stared at their screen in confusion until the person in charge politely asked me who I was
“Eat right and exercise?!?…
I dunno…seems like some kind of a scam, Doc.”
A child will either brush their teeth for 3 seconds or for 15 minutes.
ME: Alexa, am I drunk?
TUBE OF PRINGLES:
Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex
[HIGH SCHOOL]
teacher: you’ll use calculus one day
[AGE 40]
me: *standing on textbook to get twinkies from high shelf* whoa how did she know
*first day as a detective*
Partner: Three sets of prints, but only one body
Me: *nods* Yes. That means there’s *counts on fingers* more people that aren’t dead
My father just called me to tell me that my voicemail is full so no one can leave me a message and this is the best news I’ve had all week.
I bought my dad some mugs with little ceramic doggos at the bottom. He just handed me coffee, but, ‘I can’t fill it up more than that or the dog will drown.’
Whoa 😂
When the doctor asks you ‘How are you feeling today?’ sexy is not an appropriate answer apparently.
Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party