Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
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We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair
“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean
This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.
Its 4 am and my foot fell asleep are we doing this one body part at a time now
Either that loud scream was a patient yelling for help or Fred pulled the string on the bird’s tail for quitting time-
Why my cw hates me
Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing.
After twenty years, I finally paid off my loan. Please be happy for me.
Friend angrily rolling eyes: I only lent you twenty dollars
birds: it’s so peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
Me: I signed my son up for an appointment with a child psyhcologist
Doctor: That’s me
Me: but you’re an adult
Doctor: and a child psychologist
Me: how
Can’t trust CNN? Next thing ya know Nigerian royalty sending me emails will be fake.
My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.
“So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?”
[pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs]
…I love to help animals.
The next time there’s an awkward silence, try whispering, “Did you forget your line?”
It looks like our local Walgreens is dressing up as Christmas for Halloween.
I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.
Her: I want you to leave me breathless
Me: *hides her inhaler
aesthetic
“Your dinner is good, but my taste buds can’t appreciate it” my son said, so I guess he’ll have a great career in politics
[at pet store]
Im looking for something cheap and will get people to stop coming over.
[car slides off road in a snowstorm]
Stranger: you need a tow?
Me: no Sir 10 is enough for me[we both laugh as he drives away]
[still stuck 10 hours later]
Wife:
Me: I regret nothing
I can fix him.
It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly
*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP
My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.
Breaking news:
You can have a child or you can have a phone charger. You can’t have both.
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
wife: I don’t think our marriage can survive the distance issue
me: what distance issue, I’m always here or nearby
wife:
me: oh
Expect the unexporcupine.