Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
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People on the Internet always trigger my restless-fists syndrome.
6, holding a pic of me pregnant with him, “Why are you SO FAT?”
Me, “You’re inside my tummy.”
6, “That’s DISGUSTING.”
Me, “It gets worse..”
Stacy: Come over!
Me: Okay!
Stacy: My mom isn’t home.
Me: Nevermind.
I saw a lady jogging in the rain & I was like, “how sad, she doesn’t know she could be sleeping in her bed right now.”
I didn’t really feel old until my doctor hit me with the “at your age…”
Pro Tip: make your honeymoon boring and uninteresting so that the rest of your marriage feels like an improvement.
The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking
My son is happy I’m staying off twitter until he goes to bed so as to spend more time with him.
He is not happy with his new 6pm bedtime
Person: Hi, my name is *my brain plays 3 seconds of air horn*
Me: I’m sorry, what was that?
Person: I’m *air horn*
Me: Again?
Person:
Me *points gun at clerk*: stick ’em up!! Put Algebra 25 and *looks at college syllabus* Psychology 15 in the backpack!
John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit
Apparently my boss wasn’t too happy with my performance during his trust fall.
I trusted him to fall, he hit the floor, I applauded. Not sure what the problem was, tbh.
Starbucks? Yes I’d like a tepid mug of milk froth please. My name’s Adam, but you can call me Aldin.
Why are the people on soap operas always CEOs?
Nobody works at Walmart?
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home.
As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
I hate when people ask if my newborn is a “good baby” and I have to tell them that he cries a lot and about how he keeps robbing banks
In an unexpected motion, Texas Republicans have voted to move midnight to 1am.
‘Drinking water successfully’ is out
‘Drinking water and letting it fall out the side of your mouth somehow and then down your chin and also to your shirt and oh god you’re sitting and the pants got hit too’ is in
devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat
A plague on both your Barbie’s Dreamhouses.
*me almost finished with a chore*
Husband: Here, let me do that.
Participating in a raid on a secret high-tech underground bunker? Be the guy who knows the access codes. The guy who knows the access codes always makes it to at least the third act.
A existential ship hitting an iceberg is called a Whytanic.
Me: Ugh, these edibles are crap. I don’t feel a thing.
Cockroach sitting next to me on the sofa: Tell me about it, sister.
Wanna know how to make your own beer? Just pour root beer into a square glass.
7: “By the year 2057 the oceans will be nothing but trash.”
Me: “Wow, I had no idea. Pretty smart, bud.”
Wife: “You know so many important facts, sweetie.”
*silence*
*3 looks at each of us*3: “Did you know there’s also pink lemonade?”
If this can be a salad, you can be anything.
Jumping through hoops makes it sound too easy.
It should be something…more like…trudging through quicksand on 2 hours of sleep with a sinus infection.
One time i saw a man eat a whole apple, core and everything. Motherboard and power supply too. The man ate a computer it was horrifying
me: this is dave. every word he says is brilliant
friend: hi dave
dave: brilliant