Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
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apart from It’s ok
what other death threats
do women use?
My superpower is scattering dogs by singing at them.
will you marry me?
“OMG YES! I love you!!!”
*imagines typing only 4 characters for ‘wife’ instead of ‘girlfriend’ on Twitter*
I love you too
My 8 year old son got a Wonka Bar for Christmas. His friend said that he didn’t know they sold them in real life & my son said of course they Oompa loompa doompety doo.
Pizza places should give away free pizza car air-freshners. Within 5seconds of sitting in your car, you WILL crave pizza.
Me: Sorry can’t come over, I’m snowed in
MIL: But it’s the middle of summer
Me: snowed in
MIL: and hot
Me: snowed in
MIL: it sum…
Me: SNOW
Superman: Only one cookie left.
Batman: Rock, paper, scissors for it?
Superman: 1, 2, 3, GO!
Batman: *pulls out Kryptonite and eats cookie*
The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.
once i got commissioned to review a film, and when i went to file my story I said “Here’s my review! Not a great movie tbh” and then forgot to paste in the Google Doc link, so the editor replied being like “oh… we’d still like an article?”
When it’s my time, I need one of you to promise me you’ll put a motion detector on my headstone that yells out “ouch you’re stepping on my foot,” to anyone who gets close. Please and thank you.
I wouldn’t mind razor blades in my Halloween candy this year, they’re getting really expensive.
Turns out hanging out in sewers eating pizza and practicing karate will not make me an honorary ninja turtle..
Now I just smell like shit
Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting
if my house is ever clean just know i must have murdered someone in there.
I wouldn’t call it ‘passive aggressive’, but I do send the glitter Christmas cards to the people who annoy me.
Thoughts while driving:
-Hope that light stays green.
-Hope it stays yellow.
-Hope no one saw me run that red light.
The partisan media is ONCE AGAIN twisting my words, so let me make this perfectly clear: I am NOT a little teapot. The video clips being circulating showing me stamping my feet and repeatedly insisting that I AM a little teapot have been taken out of context.
me refusing to leave twitter
[watching two deer have sex] well, that’s one way to make a buck
condom commercials should just be a live-feed of couples trying to enjoy a decent meal at a restaurant with their kids
gf: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i act like i know everything?
gf: yea-
me: i knew it
Astrophysicists still struggling to explain the Big Bang Theory: “It’s a corny show! We just don’t get it!” said one astrophysicist.
Diarrhea. Having it. Spelling it.
Everything about it is shit.
Getting old is not fun. Sometimes I have to check my texts, photos and ring camera when someone asks me what I did yesterday
In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.
Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then
My kid upon learning his actual name is Charles and not Charlie
Everyone has beautiful pics posted. Where are the losers? I’m leaving.
Waiter: I see that your glass is empty, would you like another one?
Me: Why would I want two empty glasses?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes