Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.
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“you’re so quiet” i wish you were too
WHY DOES THIS BOTTLE OF BODY WASH HAVE DIRECTIONS PRINTED ON IT
Drumpf’s presidential campaign in reverse: an increasingly laughable story of an egomaniac running for an office he couldn’t possibly win
having a therapist is so funny like this is my emotional support 26 year old white girl with a masters degree
[Jesus at Last Supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*opens jar of mayo*
Judas: I’m gonna stop u right there
The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything
me: *after aceing my finals* that was easier than giving candy to a baby
them: don’t you mean taking candy from a baby
me: why would I take candy from a baby, you monster
How to apply mascara:
Pull wand from tube
Open your eyes like a haunted doll coming to life
If it was really a smart phone it would have recognize that it was an ignored call, not missed.
Halloween gig memory. Playing a nursing home. A lady in a wheelchair started inching forward; about two feet per song. She made it to the front of the stage, smiled and gestured for the microphone. I gave it to her. She yelled, as loud as she could, “GO HOOOOOOOME.” Show over!
Justin Bieber’s career died for your sins.
My watch battery is fully charged.
So I got some time
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
one thing that could really “level-up” the experience of being a pedestrian would be if cars had some kind of feature that could indicate to an outside observer whether or not they were going to turn in a particular direction
People acting all happy and energized first thing in the morning 🙄 chill out. You aren’t a teletubby.
11-year-old: I’m bringing my saxophone home from school tomorrow.
Me: Why?
11: To practice making sounds.
Me: You mean notes?
11: No. We haven’t learned those yet.
Lucky us.
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
Straight friend: Will you sensitivity read my book for my lesbian best friend character?
Me, two weeks later: The lesbian best friend is absolutely perfect. Here’s 16 pages of notes detailing the incorrect things you said about Star Trek.
Good morning & happy hump day! Today is also “National Red Wine Day” 🤣🤣🤣
Sometimes at the beach it’s like “gross, is that a condom?” Yes. And it’s staying on. Not looking to raise any shark children.
I just got invited to a zoom baby naming ceremony. If I wasn’t a part of the baby making ceremony I don’t want to be a part of naming it.
You found a baby spider in here?
-Yeah, but only one.
*Googles avg # of spiders hatched*
*eyes widen*Just. One?
[Never. Sleeps. Again.]
These people at the theater are looking at me like they’ve never seen a grown woman hugging a stuffed animal at a scary clown movie before
listen, if your girl ever has to move home for a few weeks to save a family business whilst in the company of a charming slacker she once had a crush on in high school, you’re gonna have a bad time
A possum broke into an Australian bakery and ate so many pastries it couldn’t move. This is how they found him.
Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.
Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?
i got 100% on my daughters assignment.
[someone breaks into my house] excuse me, we take our shoes off in this house
I forgot the word “memorial” so I called it a dead person shout out.