Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.
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Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.
“Honey, it’s not that I don’t like your cooking, it’s just that the smoke’s about to asphyxiat our family.”
“WHAT’D YOU SAY ABOUT MY ASS??”
The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.
87% of parenting is yelling, “DON’T MAKE ME COME IN THERE,” from a different room.
y’all, I lost my passport two years ago and have been using the same PDF scan as a substitute ever since.
this is where I found it today
An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.
imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that
reporter: an asteroid is predicted to hit earth this week
me: *vacuums a little faster*
ENTER PASSWORD.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
RESET PASSWORD.
NEW PASSWORD CAN’T BE OLD PASSWORD.
sets fire to computer
New shoes. I feel like I should go outside and step directly in dog crap and get it over with.
Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.
Ever think of that??
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars. Like I’m really glad you can see 92 miles ahead but the rest of us are blind now.
Sharon Hodges had her new bike stolen and the police wouldn’t help. A week later she saw it for sale in her local used items newspaper. She contacted the seller and they met at the mall. She asked to test ride it and never returned. She stole her bike back.
Dog: [sound asleep, eyes rolled back in head, legs twitching from dream]
Me: [momentarily thinks about peanut butter]
Dog: [waiting in kitchen with spoon]
If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.
why isn’t thunder called soundning
Mice are just frozen Mwater.
Me: Have you seen my bedroom trash bin?
Teen: The small one?
Me: Yes.
Teen: Made of wicker?
Me: Yes!
Teen: Dark?
Me: Yes!!
Teen: No.
SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin
I enjoy the freedom of speech because if you let crazy people talk, they’ll totally tell you they’re crazy.
Wife: Where’s your dad?
Son: He’s sunbathing in Nepal.
Wife: He’s what?
Son: Himalayan out.
Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.
Only Christopher Walken can get away with saying stuff like you wanted to chance at the dance but you forgot your pants.
Saw my wife watching the Food Network while I was making dinner, so I was like, “You can just watch me in the kitchen, no commercials!”
WIFE: you probably need a shower
KID: why? how do I smell?
ME: *without looking up* with your nose
[ no-look high five from WIFE ]
My kids were very upset to learn that we are eating animals when we eat meat, so they’ve decided to stop.
Except for the animals that make bacon, chicken nuggets, and hamburgers.
Sugar Daddy is just slang for high-fructose cornfather.
*first day as a cop*
What if they arrest me back
just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait