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Online dating rule: If we meet up offline, and you look nothing like your pictures, then you’re buying me drinks until you do.
when you miss your boat so you have to take the train
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
Iceland has a web page for the upcoming presidential election. You can go in and enter your name in support of a candidate. In an attempt to do so, apparently 11 people accidentally registered as candidates and are now running for president. Looking forward to the TV debates.
I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.
Other parents don’t want to be friends with us once they find out our child folds his own laundry and doesn’t need braces.
Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi
My 4yo niece: do you have a girlfriend?
Me: no
Niece: a boyfriend?
Me: no
[pause]Niece: do you have a friend?
The main city in DuckTales being called ‘Duckburg’ is mad. Imagine a human city called Manchester
Mom always said I had a special power. How did she put it? Oh yeah…
“Constant super-vision”
Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
We could all chip in, buy Rolling Stone magazine, and take turns being on the cover.
I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.
Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.
When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt
Its 4 am and my foot fell asleep are we doing this one body part at a time now
Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one
“To label you “divine” would be to capture but a fraction of your resplendence.
… and could you pleeeeease grab an Oreo while you’re up?”
I don’t know who needs to hear this but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them
Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.
Date: Your eyes look beautiful in the moon’s light.
Me: Awww.
Date: *leans in for a kiss*
Me: The moon doesn’t make light, stupid.
Today my carelessness made someone late for work. He could lose his job, his home. Sir, if you’re reading this, I can’t replace the extra .74 seconds you sat at that green light, but your honk–still echoing in my soul–serves as a harsh reminder that my actions have consequences
decorating my apartment
It costs $0.00 to be petty and I love free shit.
My pet name for my manhood, for obvious reasons, is Whitesnake…You know, cuz… “Here I go again on my own”.
Waiter: May I take your order?
Yes, roll over and play dead!
Waiter: It’s not that kind of order.
Oh. Sorry. I’ll have the cheese sticks.
As a kid my mom laughed at me because I was always worrying about being shot with a crossbow while on the toilet. Well who’s laughing now?
friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.