Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What’s with hiking? Leave nature alone, weirdos.

Of course size matters. No one likes a small pizza.

Your friends will stand by you even when you’re at your worst because people are stupid

Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.

Robber *gun to my head* sign in to your account

Me *wiping tears* I can’t remember my password

Robber: Ask for a hint. And if you cry again, I’ll shoot

Me: ok ok

Computer: What was the name of your first dog?

Me: oh no

me: I’m broke

therapist: wait, do you mean emotionally or you can’t pay me?

me: emotionally

therapist: *sigh of relief* ok thank god

Your 20s: I will strive for goodness and peace in this troubled world.

Your 40s: Every single chair is terrible.

Too bad mosquitos are not into human fat the way they are into human blood

Me: Sorry I make bad decisions when overwhelmed

Burnt neighbor who just said hi to me: but why do you have a flamethrower in the first place?

-Why do you carry that lazy dog on your shoulders, he can walk
-Mind your business
-Looks like dog actually wants to get down
-I forgot my coat, okay?

I love sleeping, mainly because I get a break from sucking my gut in.

Who called them creationists and not primate change deniers?

Wow… Gmail’s auto reply has gotten really good

wife: i’m going into labor

husband: when

wife: now

husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these

My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.

I didn’t mean to knock your toddler down at the mall today…

I just wanted to be first on Santa’s lap before he got peed on.

Just when you think your marriage is going smoothly your husband eats the last piece of cake.

Therapist: let’s try guided imagery to help you relax. I’ll play beach sounds, you close your eyes & picture what I’m describing

Me: ok

T: you see seagulls flying in the distance.

there are so many of them & they are getting closer

uh oh they’ve spotted your Doritos

Me: NO

Couldn’t look worse today.

Time to run into an ex…

*Jesus sits down at the bar*

“The boss says we have to start charging you for water”

did… did they arrest the mountain lions

I’m scared to open any email with a photo attachment because of all this talk about photobombing.

Impress your date. Be wild. Flip the table. Flip it 360 so its upright again & nothing has moved except a roll that has flown into her mouth

I believe that 1/3rd of the twin population is actually living as their sibling and don’t know it. Like they got switched during bath time and never went back.

Bruce Willis is talking to a parrot. “I’m Bruce Willis” he says. The parrot repeats it. “yeah right” Bruce says, but is secretly worried

my neighbor: can you keep an eye out for our dog? he ran away
me: oh no, when’s the last time you saw him? did he leave a note
neighbor: early this morn- did you ask if he left a note?

90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.

Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.