Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Give Jesus a fish, and you and your family will eat nothing but that one fish for a lifetime.
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How in the hell do people lose their children in a mall?
Seriously, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
not sure why we don’t use this thing more often
Me: Can you bring back Prince?
Genie: I can’t bring people back.
Me: Okay how about make it so my back never hurts again?
Genie: Who was that dead guy again?
I’m “that burger I ate is fighting back” years old.
The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.
They say the longer you’re married, the more you and your spouse start to look alike. My wife and I can open each other’s iPhones using face ID.
[at a fire sale]
Me: one fire, please
Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle
Cow: Can you not?
-50 Shades of Graze
If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.
Me: you want french toast for breakfast?
Toddler: yes.
Me: manners?
Toddler: no thank you.
there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord
When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed
Hi, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve arrived just in time to make everything worse
My friend asked what I’d say if my husband told me he’d never touch me again? I told her, I’d need it in writing.
HER: I’ve missed you so badly.
ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!
The average person eats 8 spiders a year
*eating 2nd bowl of spiders*
“WHO’S AVERAGE NOW DAD?”
Married men aren’t allowed to go the grocery store alone because we’re the kid in the shopping cart, but with money
“We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”
-People who have never seen a flying cockroach
The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.
Sex is like tacos. I wish I was having some now.
Me: I saw Elvis Presley last night.
Her: I’m sure it was an impersonator.
Me: No *hiding shovel* It was definitely him.
barbara was highly relatable
When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”
Her: How’s your drink?
Me: It’s ok. I can’t taste the alcohol though
Her:That’s cause we’re at the gym and its a protein shake
I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards
[using Ouija Board]
“Will i ever find true love–”
“NEW GHOST WHO DIS”
[Hell]
Demon: We will punish you for your gluttony!Me: Neato! I’m a glutton for punishment
Demon: … *quietly into walkie-talkie* could I get a supervisor over here
With my husband’s inability to find anything, I’m really surprised we have children.
Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.
If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?