Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Give Jesus a fish, and you and your family will eat nothing but that one fish for a lifetime.
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I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.
[at urinal in restaurant bathroom]
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Do you come here often?
Me: No
Him: …
Me: I go into the stall for that
My parents decided to test their marriage by going to IKEA today
Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.
Government: I can’t believe you committed tax fraud
Me: what? What did I do??
Government: wouldn’t you like to know
You ever eat fish and chips at the aquarium and get the feeling you’re being watched?
“There are 2 seats. Which one do you want?”
“Right one for me.”
“And you?”
“Am I left with any choice?”
Ladies, he’s not working late. He’s trying to steal the declaration of independence. Stay woke
FITBIT: You’ve done 11k steps today.
ME: Ok, I’ll rest some.
FITBIT: stop now and I’ll murder you
ME: What?
FITBIT: I SAID GOOD FOR YOU!
My husband is awesome. He just gave me a bracelet that belonged to his grandmother. What does “Do Not Resuscitate” mean?
Why jurors are not allowed to have cellphones in the courthouse:
Me, taking a selfie in the jury box: feeling cute, might convict someone later.
Everyone out here workin’ on their cores and I’m just tryna get as close as possible to the drive thru window so I don’t have to stretch.
Sometimes, I like to establish dominance over my shorter friends by telling them we need to hurry, and then climbing up a staircase, two steps at a time.
Coworker: “How was your weekend?”
Me: “You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions.”
Judge: how do you plead?
Guy: well usually to my wife
Judge: haha I feel ya brother, bailiff please fist-bump the defendant
I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.
Me: I’ll take Glinda the Good Witch because I love shoes, Ursula the Sea Witch so she could silence annoying people for me, and Maleficent because I love to sleep.
Genie: But that’s not…eh, never mind, your witches are granted.
Law Enforcement: We’re cracking down on distracted driving.
Car companies: Here’s a 9-inch TV in your dashboard.
Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.
Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.
My dog stayed up late playing with the neighbor dog last night and then he slept till 11am and he won’t tell me a thing about her, is this what it’s like to parent a teenager?
Why does this look like one of the ingredients is painkillers
Imagine being reincarnated as grass?
Smothered by snow. That melts and then you get trampled by kids at play, shit on by dogs, scorched by sun, flooded by rain, then once a week have your head chopped off.
My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house
…without stopping.
Wanna see my Oscar?
*knocks on garbage can lid*
John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit
No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.
I’m home alone for the first time in 45 years and I’m only 39
“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”
Mechanic *looks up* Wow, you have a lot of problems, so much is wrong
Me: I know!
Mechanic: Your car’s fine though
Me: ok cool