Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

trivia

I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?

A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this

I dropped off some paperwork at coworker’s house last night. I guess he hadn’t mentioned I was coming & one of his kids asked me who I was. They were eating dinner so I said, “I’m the food police. I’m making sure everyone is eating their vegetables.” That broccoli was gone, man.

*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*

Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.

I let 8 stay up late last night which helped when i told him it was time for bed he just said ok and went right to sleep. haha i’m jk he still lost his shit.

*pastes on mayonnaise in place of roll on deodorant

Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?

Her: Is breakfast almost ready?
Me: Yeah, I just have to drain the sausage.
Her: Can’t we please wait till after breakfast for that?

When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.

TEETH IS INNOCENT

[About to sign divorce papers] and I definitely get to keep this pen?

I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the housesitter like: “If the leopard seems bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch The Parent Trap.”

My granddaughter told me that her boss wanted her to sign up for a 401k but she told him that there was no way she could run that far.

GOD [creating humans] make them intelligent, sophisticated and rational

ANGEL: ok cool

GOD: but if they get told a plate is hot, they have to touch it lol

[first time hunting]

friend: I’m out of shells do you have any

me: *choking on pistachio* a few

What I know about light:
-Cannot be eaten
-Unless…
-Maybe can be eaten?
-I definitely made an eating motion
-But I am not full?
-Try again?
-I bit my tongue
-Can hurt your tongue

My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair

When I was a kid there were two sure ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.

Cop: You’re driving on the wrong side of the road.
Driver: Sorry, I’m English.
Cop: (shouting) It’s the wrong soid of the roade ye was droivin down, innit?

Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?

My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness

You’re lifting weights dude, you’re not in labor. Settle down.

Daughter has prom tomorrow so I’ve been practicing my “Menacing Dad Face” all day….so far I’ve had a colleague offer me Tums.

Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home

Remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.

Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?