@MajorFlake

Give a man a fish and he will think, “What a creepy gift.” Teach a man to fish and he will think, “My god, I have never known such boredom”

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@slimmy_shady

I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.

@SteveSuckington

We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too

@TheMichaelRock

My 8yo is watching a video of a guy watching a video of another guy flipping water bottles. Please pray for me during this difficult time.

@OctopusCaveman

I’ll bet Waldo owed some people money. You don’t get that good at hiding for no reason.

@Bownuggets

Hot Dads in ur Area Are Disappointed in ur Browser History Especially the One ur Watching Right Now With Midgets Dressed Like Dinosaurs

@blade_funner

You might remember me from such productions as Skirt Tucked Into Pantyhose, or, Oh! You Weren’t Waving at Me.

@itsmovies

In movies when people go underwater, I like to hold my breath and see if I would survive in that situation. I died in Finding Nemo.

@mattZillaaaa

Always hide you prescription bottles from your medicine cabinet so ppl don’t know how crazy you are. Also, you’re now out of xanax.