Heard my mom tell my dad to “stop tossing her salad” at the dinner table and now I can’t look at either one of them without laughing…
Give a man a fish and he will think, “What a creepy gift.” Teach a man to fish and he will think, “My god, I have never known such boredom”
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At least he brought enough for everyone
3yo: I want to help!
Me: You can help by being quiet.
3yo: I want to help in a different way!!!
Cat: Why are you looking at me?
Me: You’re acting strange.
Me: Are you on drugs?
Cat: Drugs…you’re the one who thinks I’m talking.
Ashley Madison website is having problems. But instead of addressing them directly, it’ll just look for a younger hotter website on the side
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂❤️
Waiter: Your coffee
Me: Could I have a little spoon please?
*delicately embraces me from behind*
I saw the most beautiful woman at the store today so of course I did the sensible thing and imagined what our whole life would be like if we fell in love and then I never spoke to her.
I lost my dad with a cart full of ginger ale and sweet potato chips at a grocery store and found him arguing about focaccia bread with a manager in case you were wondering how white my parents are.
magician: who wants to volunteer to get sawed in half
[raises my hand]
magician: and then… put back together
[lowers my hand]