@MajorFlake

Give a man a fish and he will think, “What a creepy gift.” Teach a man to fish and he will think, “My god, I have never known such boredom”

You Might Also Like

@badAzz_mom

So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”

*slaps knee*

@jordan_stratton

Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.

@futurecreaturre

if i die on a hill it’s gonna be the bottom of that hill. i’m not climbing up a hill to die

@MrEd_EVH

Ibuprofen is the new Chiclets for people over 40

@HardmanRick

Hold me closer, tiny dancer. Oh my… not that close. I can’t breathe. How are you so strong? LET ME GO TINY DANCER

@KellyMeldrum

I’m not usually vengeful, but when I am it’s because someone gave my kid a whistle.

@ruinedpicnic

[Terrorist tears open undercover FBI agent’s jacket]
Terrorist: FBI?
Agent: uhhh
Terrorist: hey guys this dude is a Female Body Inspector