@MajorFlake

Give a man a fish and he will think, “What a creepy gift.” Teach a man to fish and he will think, “My god, I have never known such boredom”

You Might Also Like

@MiddleageM

Heard my mom tell my dad to “stop tossing her salad” at the dinner table and now I can’t look at either one of them without laughing…

@ParentNormal

3yo: I want to help!

Me: You can help by being quiet.

3yo:

Me:

3yo: I want to help in a different way!!!

@realHamOnWry

Cat: Why are you looking at me?

Me: You’re acting strange.

Cat: Strange?

Me: Are you on drugs?

Cat: Drugs…you’re the one who thinks I’m talking.

@ElizaBayne

Ashley Madison website is having problems. But instead of addressing them directly, it’ll just look for a younger hotter website on the side

@LiquidFaerie

While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂❤️

@mrjohndarby

restaurant
Waiter: Your coffee

Me: Could I have a little spoon please?

Waiter: Certainly
*delicately embraces me from behind*

Me: lovely

@OctopusCaveman

I saw the most beautiful woman at the store today so of course I did the sensible thing and imagined what our whole life would be like if we fell in love and then I never spoke to her.

@TheRealPalMal

I lost my dad with a cart full of ginger ale and sweet potato chips at a grocery store and found him arguing about focaccia bread with a manager in case you were wondering how white my parents are.

@CornOnTheGoblin

magician: who wants to volunteer to get sawed in half
[raises my hand]
magician: and then… put back together
[lowers my hand]