Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Heard a rival dad in the neighborhood was handing out full size candy bars so now every trick-or-treater that comes to my door is getting an entire rotisserie chicken.

People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time

School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?

Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.

I doubt my humanity the most when I’m trying to read those wavy, twisty scripts that are meant to verify you’re human.

just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes

Does a UFO remain an UFO once you identify it as a UFO?

Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag

Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.

Sometimes I like to call random numbers and if an older man answers I’ll say, “Hi. I know this sounds crazy, but I’m your daughter.”

Suit: It says here you’re “dramatic” and “nonsensical”?

Me [forward somersault, grabs resume]: Sorry that’s a typo, it should say “sandpaper pickles”.

A snow angel, except a floor covered in puppies.

Mr. Miyagi: It’s simple Daniel san, wax on, wax off

Daniel: Yeah, but your back hair, bro?

Get this comic as a limited edition art print, signed by both artists, printed on archival Bamboo Giclée paper from Hahnemühle.

you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart

My girlfriend left a tampon at my apartment and idk where the left one is. Anyone know where I can get a single left tampon to keep a set here for emergencies?

[Career Day]

Me: Money doesn’t buy happiness. However, it does buy tacos which make me happy. In conclusion, money does buy happiness.

Kids: *raise hands*

Me: I won’t be taking any questions.

My boss just criticized me, saying that my writing is almost unintelligible and unbecoming a professional, but I don’t think it’s portmantotally malapropriate.

–
Aether is both a noun and a verb.
–

Saying “I’m having a heavy period day”
– boring
– depressing

Saying “bro my flow is crazy”
– dope
– could be a rapper

[Death Row]

GUARD: last requests?

INMATE: a little heroin would be nice

TINKER BELL: *chloroforms guard*

INMATE: I meant the drug stupid

the best thing to throw at your spouse when you’re having a fight is a croissant cuz he’ll try to catch it in his mouth but it comes back to you like a boomerang & that’s just a delicious way to end a marriage . you’re welcome .

Dating tip:
Don’t offer to pay.
It’s a sign of weakness.
Build trust through mutual agreement to steal.

No one suspects the “happy couple.”

Fact: If you bind together the receipts of things you buy in an airport, it makes a tiny book that tells the tragic story of how you have no money anymore.

No matter who wins this election, there’s still only a 50% chance that the ice cream machine at McDonalds will be working.

When you have this song stuck in your head, is it just your mind playing tracks on you?

Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on

If science is so great why do we only have one vegetable on the cob

surgeon 1: open mike night tonight

surgeon 2: hope you don’t bomb like last time

surgeon 1: haha

surgeon 2: haha

Mike: what

My husband just showed me two pairs of khakis and asked me which one he should wear tonight. This is a trick, right?

*(whispering)they’re both the same

I hate it when people say “Oh, I’m a vegetarian except for fish”.

Yeah? And I’m a non-smoker except for cigarettes. #WorldVeganDay