Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Keep your friends close and your enemies wrapped in plastic ready for that long drive to the desert.

Wife: you wanna play monopoly?
Me: sure if there’s one thing we need to do more of as a couple it’s recreational arguing

If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.

“I can’t wait to see what my Happy Meal prize is! Wait…what the -”

[U2 is playing a free concert in the box]

when the buffet is more honest than your date

THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full

I had the best time at the carnival last night until a local told me that burned down thirty years ago.

me when I get my period: why am I eating & crying so much? is my depression worsening? What if im dying??? Omg im dying this is how I die. I die soon.
me later that night: dude ur not dying this is literally what ur period is. every single time.
*next period*
why am I eating & cr

The most maddening thing about having a cat is when you can’t find them and start panicking and sweet-talk-hollering for them and shaking the treat box and nearing a panic attack — and they come yawning and stretching out of some nook or cranny like “Wow, you are being so loud.”

A baby came out of my stomach and I was all “weird, I don’t remember eating that…”

17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute

boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude

Me: You’re getting so tall!

Child: I don’t really like that because it means I’m getting older and when you’re older you’re closer to dying.

Me: …Oh.

Child: Sorry, I won’t talk about that. It might scare you.

Me:

Child: Because you’re already so old and close to dying.

Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me: moves 1 centimetre
Husband: I’ll take a bowl of ice-cream while you’re up

went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser

when i tell guys i want a baby i just assume they kno i don’t mean a human one. i want a baby antelope, a baby hedgehog, a baby lizard

there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it

Once I read this story abt a meth addict, she’d vacuum her whole house daily, even the walls, and that alone was enough to keep me off meth.

[during sex]

Him: are you on your phone?

Me: it’s called live tweeting maybe you’ve heard of it

Friend: Wanna go for a run?

Me: From what?

just having fun

A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, “Do you know what tomorrow is?” and watch the panic set in.

I also bought this ice cream today, partially because I wanted ice cream and partially because it made me laugh.

I’ve become obsessed with the idea that Jesus was a terrible guitarist but no one told him to stop because they were afraid of his dad.

I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”

🎵 You make me feel like I’ve been locked out of heaven 🎵

Jesus: “We talked about this, Lucifer.”

Remember to recycle your pizza boxes

It’s for the Greta good

*Seductively hides in the woods

My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing