Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Friend: Call me when you wake up

[3 days later]

Me: Okay I’m up!

Bedtime:

Brush teeth
Put on pjs
Read
Turn off light
Put them back in bed
Put them back in bed
Threaten everything they love
Put them back

@isabelzawtun I work at a pet supply store. One time a customer called to set up a delivery. He wanted a dog toy in his order but didn’t know which one. I had to pick out toys and squeak them into the phone for him until he heard the “right one.”

The question I ask myself most often is, “What would a jury think about this?”

“We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS.”

Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea

When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.

I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.

“looks like a burrito fell out his pocket, hes crawling up to get it and crying. thats gonna cost points” – commentators on my snowboard run

HIM: *turning the heat down* You have the heat too high!

HER: *turning it up* No, YOU have the heat too LOW!

MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: Stop that, this is my office.

THEM: Let’s head down to Paradise City. I heard the girls are really hot there.

ME: What’s the grass situation?

I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.

They wanted to talk to me about cheeses

Beast: This castle is your home now, so you can go anywhere you like, except the West Wing.

Me: Okay, but is that right or left?

“Іs that a ripped up shirt in your hair?”

Іt’s called a SCRUNCHIE dad. 🙄

If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.

*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*

[text from wife at home]

“Pick that up.”

So I ordered a cake from a renowned bakery in Nagpur, through #Swiggy. In the order details I mentioned “Please mention if the cake contains egg”. I am speechless after receiving the order 👇🏼

receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.

Comment on your friend’s vacation group photos and ask which kid is their favorite. Then suggest which child you believe should be the favorite.

A Muslim in London just told me Merry Christmas. I smiled and said and Happy Ramadan to you. A beautiful moment of interfaith harmony and a stunning rebuke of Brexit. Then she said but it’s not Ramadan and I said listen granny stop ruining this fake story I need the retweets.

Sometimes I think I want a third kid, then I spend 45 minutes in a full pediatrician’s waiting room and my uterus tries to escape on it’s own.

Magician: “Think of a card.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “You are thinking of the.. 3 OF SPADES!”
Me: “I was thinking about a get well soon card.”

The doctor removes the stethoscope from your chest. He seems flustered. “Well, it still sounds like moaning and the rattle of chains in a deep stone hole.”

He hands you a small wooden chest filled with rusty old keys. “Just keep swallowing these until one works.”

Sorry if I’m a little jumpy today. I had to open one of those biscuit cans this morning

I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.

Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it

I like when the rain is misty and you get to feel like a grocery store broccoli for a little while.

70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.

I quit smoking ten years ago, but every once in a while, I still enjoy a camel when I’m driving.

[Inventing limes]

God: we need a fruit that is useless without alcohol