give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.
give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.
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If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy
whole time I was thinking “how’s Popeye gonna top this shit” then this mf justs —
Women: Be smart. Don’t do this.
Well, Lassie, maybe it’s time for Timmy to learn a hard lesson about watching where he’s going.
My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: I’m just saying, it’s a very misleading flyer
BODY BUILDING COMPETITION JUDGE: again, we can only apologise
I first experienced deep shame and humiliation when my mom told me I should probably start saying “train” instead of “choo-choo train” while I was still at the tender age of 27.
I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!
remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
BF: Aren’t you ashamed?
ME: Because I complained to the manager about the wait at the restaurant?
BF: No
ME: Because I ate a large pizza?
BF: Because you ate someone else’s large pizza while we were waiting
interviewer: can you type fast?
me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words
I wish that I had the confidence of my 12 year old who is staring me down as he eats the last ice cream cone that I had hidden in the freezer.
Any restaurant is a Drive-Thru if your brakes fail.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic”.
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t my GF coming back after 3 days away, only to walk past me to say hello to the dogs first.
Okay, raise your hand if you put raisins in your oatmeal cookies.
Great. Now, make a fist with that hand & punch yourself in the face.
In 2020, five African grey parrots at a wildlife park in Lincolnshire had to be separated after they were found to be encouraging one another to swear. The park’s CEO commented, “We are quite used to parrots swearing… but for some reason these five relish it.”
me: [getting down on one knee] i’ve wanted to ask you since we met
her:
me: [rolling into a ball] do you like my impression of a grape
What Kermit (the frog) is called in different countries:
10. Kermit (Denmark)
9. Kermit (France)
8. Kermit (Japan)
7. Kermit (Slovakia)
6. Kermit (Italy)
5. Kermit (Canada)
4. Kermit (Iceland)
3. Kermit (the Netherlands)
2. Kermit (Poland)
1. Gustavo (Spain)
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
When someone asks how I feel, I always answer “Squishy and like I’ve done something wrong”
Well, shit
75% of a Scandinavian park ranger’s job is rescuing black metal bands that get lost in the woods shooting album covers.
[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now
You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.
ME: *robbing bank* More like, I’m BANKing on you not tripping the alarm! Haha!
TELLER: Haha!
COPS: *tackling me from behind* Haha!
I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.