Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“those tattoos will make it harder to get a job” ok well so will my personality.

I have this fantasy that all lights go out in the world when I’m at the grocery store. While everyone panics, I grab a head of broccoli, stab the base with a carrot, and light it like a torch.

Look, I never said I was any good at fantasy, you guys.

If you didn’t want a doll made entirely out of my hair then maybe you shouldn’t have liked my selfie

PESSIMIST: Dark tunnel.

OPTIMIST: Light at the end of the tunnel.

REALIST: A train.

TRAIN OPERATOR: 3 idiots standing on the tracks.

Nobody:

4-year-old: Can I call people peasants at school?

My son is desperate for me to walk to the coffee shop and get him a chocolate croissant.

7yo: You’re being lazy! You’re just doing what YOU want to do!
Me: I’m doing work so we can afford the coffee shop. Are you?
7yo: No.
Me:
7yo: But I go to school so you don’t go to jail.

Capitalism is making me sad so I’m going to buy myself a little something.

KFC hitting the cannibal market

Me: Try to make a sandwich while doing a handstand.

Genie: That’s not really a wish, you know.

Me: I said handstandwich!

“Do you moan when you eat?”

Me, making small talk in an elevator

Boss: Where’d you go??
Me: I got all the way up front and realized I forgot my pen.
Boss: Okay?
Me: So I went to lunch.

If you drink five of those 5 Hour Energy drinks in one day you unlock the secret 25th hour and you also die

[haunted house]

Me: I’m terrified

Jessica: is it the rattling chairs

Erica: is it the bleeding doors

Sarah: is it the possessed portraits

Kate: is it the shaking coffins

Me: I’ve never spoken to this many girls before

Why did Kermit The Frogs name feel the need to clarify he was a frog?

my idea of a perfect crime? I’ll show you

When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?

By substituting your morning coffee with green tea, you can reduce up to 94% of what little joy you had left.

Today I lost a push-ups competition to my 4 year-old son. He did 2 push-ups and its not important how many i could or couldn’t do because its all about having fun and him helping me off the ground

Life coach: don’t sweat the small stuff

Me: you mean like microscopic germs

Life coach: no you should probably worry about those

Me: choking hazards

Life coach: that’s not-

Me: killer bees

Life coach: *drinks from hip flask*

Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.

Robber: If you ever want to see your family again do exactly as I say. Now hand me that bag!

Me: *sets bag on fire*

I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.

I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.

Me: I signed my son up for an appointment with a child psyhcologist

Doctor: That’s me

Me: but you’re an adult

Doctor: and a child psychologist

Me: how

Any time you see a mass suicide case on the news, you can pretty much assume the assembly of an IKEA product was the cause.

Barbecues are just a theatrical way of letting your neighbours know you’re going to be eating 2 hours later than planned

I want the immune system of this barefoot man in 7-Eleven

My mom doesn’t understand that powdered donuts are eaten over cd cases while in cars, and my friends love donuts, and that’s why. (Not blow)

By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.

78 just saw the ring light in my bedroom.
I told him that it’s for the plants.
Oh, he said, and went on his way.
There are no plants in my room.

*at bedtime
And in this corner weighing in at 32 pounds is a toddler calling herself the Intimidator. I see she has a “Sleep is for the weak” tattoo on her forearm and has made a strong move refusing pajamas and crying for mommy…