give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.
give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.
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bartender: what’s wrong with you
best man: they kicked me out because i dropped the mike after the wedding toast
bartender: well that’s excessive-
best man: mike is the groom
The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.
*Reads your ransom note*
*Edits for grammar and punctuation*
Sorry, I’m afraid “Hillbilly Elegy” has 62 holds on it. What that means is 62 other people will need to not read it before you get the chance to check it out and not read it.
a cool magic trick woud be if a magiciam puts their hand in a hat & sombody wearin a hat in the audience sudenly feels a hand on their head
Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.
8yo: I want to paint my pumpkin this year!
Me: Cool, what color?
8yo: Orange!
Me:
8yo:
Me: *pours drink* Let’s do it
Me: I can’t find clothes for a toddler
Salesman: Have you looked for 12-15 months?
Me: No, just half an hour
I’ve been to Australia. That was their best dancer.
I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.
Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.
One of my “100 things to do before you die” would definitely be “call an ambulance”.
9yo: “Mom, I’m so nervous to go out in public…”
Me, mentally stretching as I prepare for a convo about gun violence, racism, stranger danger…
9yo: “I just keep thinking that a bird might think my hair is french fries and swoop and grab it.”
Cats are tough negotiators, they leave nothing on the table.
“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.
the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials
“I’m a doomsday prepper” I say to the Costco cashier as she scans 3 pallets of vodka and Uncrustables.
Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: ok.
God: you have a great memory.
Elephant: what does that mean?
God: you never forget.
Elephant: didn’t I lend you $20 last week?
God:
Elephant:
God: [opening wallet] yOu NeVeR foRgEt good one God.
[family reunion]
Does this place have air conditioning because
[song ends, party becomes silent]
Grandma looks really hot
I made up all these romantic scenarios in my brain and you’re not following the script, bro
Sometimes, when I’m bored, I tell my mother-in-law to relax.
I’ve learned enough Spanish to dream in Spanish, but I can’t understand what the fuck anyone is saying 😀
My son: little pig, little pig, let me in!
Me: Ok first of all, rude because, yes, I have been eating more lately, no need to get personal son
My son: say your line mummy!
Me: not by the hair of my ch- OK I’M NOT PLAYING ANYMORE
wishing you and yours all the best
You: Say something good about 2020
Me: Haven’t been invited to a single wedding this year.
In alcohol’s defense, i’ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.
I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
Where do you weigh a pie?
Somewhere over the rainbow … weigh a pie…