Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Give a man who is dangerously allergic to fish a fish and he’ll eat for a lifetime.
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I can’t deal with men any longer
I want a transformer who turns into a vacuum (no cool reason I just want him to vacuum)
I was walking near a construction site today and heard the foreman yell, “You’re doing a good job!” I know that was meant for me.
I don’t care how comfortable it looks, I’m not buying a chair called a Lovesac.
Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.
I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999
So my wife discovered I keep writing “please help me” in the memo line of all my personal checks and now I’m not allowed to have checks.
Moms have an amazing superpower: we can speak at full volume without anyone hearing us.
Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.
Me: could you pass me the Washington Shire sauce
Her: the what?
Me: the Westminster Shore sauce
Her: are you having a stroke?
Me: the Warcaster Shiner sauce
Her: hello, 911? I need an ambulance-
Me: the Willmington Scone sauce
Her: please, it’s getting worse
Me: the Wank-
The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.
Her: I feel like you aren’t listening to me.
Me: No thanks, I’ve eaten.
I finally found the horrific smell in my house. It turns out I have toddlers.
I think that at least twice a week it should be acceptable to fall asleep with your clothes on and change to your pj’s to go to work
spinach is nowhere near as delicious as Popeye led us to believe
Who’s the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks
[lying voice] oh my god sorry i JUST saw this
My dog always pees against trees when we walk through the neighborhood
I do it one time and now I need bail
*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE
I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.
To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.
All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.
“I have a headache” was not the invitation to sit down and talk to me that you think it was
[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY
Mom, I’m glad April Fools is on a wkend. Kids at school are jerks
Me:*Hiding a plate of waffles drenched in olive oil* yeah people are mean
I never picked my nose. I was born with it.
I’ll do a psychic reading for you free of charge on account of I have no idea what I’m doing
Scrambled eggs are like regular eggs but their reception is terrible
The year is 1981. Everybody’s working for the weekend.
2044: the weekend becomes sentient.
2048: Everybody’s working for the weekend.
*watches Forensic Files for tips*
*taps pencil*
*scribbles “DON’T GET CAUGHT”*
*taps pencil*
*pauses*
*underlines it*