Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Give a man who is dangerously allergic to fish a fish and he’ll eat for a lifetime.
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If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.
I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound
The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise
I can’t believe it’s so cold I have to wear gloves inside. I mean I’m not even robbing anything or trying not to leave fingerprints
Surgeon: Appendectomies are tricky, you sure you got this?
Dr. Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: *flings scalpel into ceiling* You bet!
Like a hot-air balloon ride above manure mountain I am over this shit and slightly unstable
No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.
Dude (seeing girlfriend use eyelash-growing serum): I need a ton of this before my high school reunion
[at reunion]
Classmate: You have spikey black hair? I’d heard you’d gone bald
Dude: Just temporarily (his head blinks)
The pigeons are plotting to overthrow the government. It will start with a coo.
shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs
DETECTIVE: what do you think killed these two birds?
ME: [picking up the only stone near their bodies] idk maybe the bird flu.
My husband and I make a good team. I’m about to start cooking Thanksgiving dinner, and he’s taking the batteries out of the smoke detectors.
They say AI will take all our jobs, but I’d like to see AI selling cigarettes to teenagers outside 7-11
People ask if I’m worried about growing a third arm after getting the vaccine and honestly I could use more hands.
Gravity is just the earth being really clingy
Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.
I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation
Read an interesting statistic this morning: ‘Over 73% of women are deeply unhappy with their sex life.’ I still have no idea how it got laminated and stuck on the fridge door at home though.
WHY ARE WE ALLOCATING EMERGENCY AID FOR THE ARTS?
Screamed by people who have been watching Netflix, reading books, and playing video games for 18 hours/day.
“Management would like librarians to offer patrons in-depth computer training upon request.”
“But what if, while I’m doing that, the phone rings or another patron comes to the desk with a question?”
“Just try not to have all those things happen at once. It’s called planning.”
Her: I love your eyes.
Me: Thanks, they were a set…
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
waiter: i’m sorry sir, but your card has been declined
me: run it again
waiter: i ran it three times
me: *to my date* omg this is so embarrassing. do you mind taking care of it?
her: no problem! *grabs waiter by the collar and pulls him close* he said run it again
If practice makes perfect then I should really know what to do with my arms by now, when trying to sleep
*sitting on a seesaw for 20 minutes*
…OK, there’s ONE downfall to being the last human alive.
A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.
Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.
Interviewer: What would you like to get out of this job?
Me: As many free office supplies as possible.
Goats that intimidate others are bully goats
Toys R Us went out of business because their mascot was a stupid giraffe when it could’ve been a toy dinosaur called the Toysaurus. It was right there man.