Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t want a ring, I want a Hattori Hanzo sword.

The 16yo tells me he’s been revising all day. His browser history suggests he’s got his YouTube exam in the morning.

We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids

Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.

*forces square peg into round hole

Round hole: wrong hole.

WIFE: Please take the trash out
ME: Ok
*later that night*
ME: I’m having a nice time
TRASH: Wow, the food here is spicy AF

omg thanks for ending the meeting 4 minutes early and “giving me some time back” — now I can finally pursue my passions

Customer: is it 4 wheel drive?
Me [counting the wheels]: yeah
Customer: no like can it go off-road?
Me [looking around showroom]: well yeah

This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died in France leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.

Drive thru window one: “Can I have a name for your order?”

Me: “Free.”

Drive thru window two: “I have an order for Free.”

Me: “Thanks!”

*drives away quickly*

Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.

I abuse music so badly. I’m always like: make me feel good, watch me dance, listen to me sing, improve my mood. She must be sick of my shit.

[my wife to everyone at the pool party] pls don’t tell him, he’s never known the truth
[me loudly as I jump off the diving board] CABIN BALL

Retired bakers have nothing to prove.

A wise man once said nothing.

My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with

Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not getting McDonald’s.
Child: Why not?
Me: We have food here.
Child: I don’t like the food here.
Me: Grilled cheese?
Child: no
Me: Hot dogs?
Child: no
Me: Chic-

[20 minutes later]

Me [at drive-thru]: TWO BIG MACS AND

As I find myself in yet another room without remembering why, it’s apparent my wisdom teeth are doing nothing for me.

Thanks for keeping your Instagram account private. I’d hate for those pictures of your lunch to fall into the wrong hands.

I’m trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot

Home improvement
but it’s just me replacing the metal tubes in the neighbor’s wind chimes with tampons.

-Why do you carry that lazy dog on your shoulders, he can walk
-Mind your business
-Looks like dog actually wants to get down
-I forgot my coat, okay?

Next door’s newborn has a really distinctive cry it goes “VVVVRRRROOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!”
It’s not a breastfed baby – it’s a formula one.

If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead

My husband told me I cheated on him in his dream.
The best response was not “Was he hot?”
I know this now.

Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?

Me: I LOVE STAR WARS

BF: which was your fav

Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone

A woman just dropped a £10 note next to me. I thought, ‘What would Jesus do?’, so I turned it into wine. I bought wine.

I like big rolls of toilet paper. Mega roll? Not good enough. I want the roll to protrude into the next room. I want there to be a danger I may become trapped beneath it. I want two burly men in herringbone driver’s caps to wrestle the new roll into place twice a year

Wife: It’s sweltering in here. We need to get the AC fixed.

Me: Look at this gif, it’ll cool you down.

Wife: I forget, did you want to be buried or cremated?