Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If Skyrim has taught me anything, it’s that you should always check people’s urns for gold. Don’t be afraid. Pull grandma off the mantle.

[In England]
Hey, you look like you could lose a few pounds
*steals your wallet*

Johnny Depp is the best actor ever. You can’t even tell he has scissor hands in Pirates of the Caribbean.

If he can’t build a wall, Trump is going to dig a giant hole at the border and cover it with a welcome mat like it’s a Road Runner cartoon.

If u luv sumthin set it free
*releases 2yr old into the wild*
Good luck son
*sobbing*
STOP FOLLOWING ME! GO ON,GET OUT OF HERE
*throws rocks

-Do you have this t-shirt on large
-Sir, it’s a yard sale

I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.

someone on TikTok accused me of stealing a stand up joke and when I asked them from who? they sent me a clip of someone doing the joke and that someone was me.

I like to creep around my home and act like a goblin

This girl wants to sing with me but I don’t wanna duet

I’m eating the potato off my 3yr old’s French Fries because he doesn’t like potato, in case you wondered if parenting was right for you

‘”I’m a healthy bacteria that aids in digestion”

– probiotic

“Ummm…. Pssssstt!! Dude… What’s a digestion?”

– amateur biotic

Instead of going to see Godzilla vs Kong I’ll just ask two of my kids to do a project together.

TV Show Idea:

Speculation news.

A sort of news programme that uses a small amount of information and stretches it out for hours on end with absolutely no further facts other than speculation based on nothing at all, by self appointed experts in unrelated subjects.

That’s someone else’s problem.

-me, putting back a pen that wouldn’t write

Me: 47 MESSAGES IN UNDER 3 MINUTES?!

Genie: I told you wishing your dog could send you texts was a bad idea

When life gives you lemons, worship the elder Gods. Take candy from a baby. Drink from a trough of blood. Who cares? None of this matters

I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.

Male writers often compare women to dessert foods. E.g. ‘She had brown chocolate eyes and cherry red lips.’ Whereas, they tend to describe men using savoury foods. E.g. ‘His leg was like a massive baguette.”

I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle

tfw you’re leaving the party but nobody notices

By 33, you’d think I’d have figured out at some point along the way where to put my arms when I sleep.

Duolingo is the only app I have where I can safely avoid Succession spoilers

If you really want people to notice you, be a typo.

I can’t stop thinking about what my sister took away from Endgame

My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.

ME: Siri listen very carefully. I need you to quietly dial 911, and…

SIRI: I HAVE FOUND TWO RESTAURANTS WITHIN 5 MILES OF YOUR LOCATION.

Apparently asking the car salesmen how many people can fit in the trunk is a no no.

[first date at restaurant]

ME: so, do you like dogs?

HER: no, not really-

ME: [already at home watching Netflix petting my dog]

The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.