Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I think I have Ebola.”

“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”

Me: “if you eat toilet paper, does it save time in the end?

Interviewer: “…”

Me: “Oh you mean questions about the job!”

Women are like ripe peaches, they don’t keep as well in the refrigerator after they’ve been cut in half.

My wife:“That’s not the shirt I sent her to daycare in.”

Me:“But it’s the right kid?”

Wife: “Yes.”

Me: “Awesome. I’m going to play Xbox”

The existence of raw sexuality implies the existence of medium sexuality, but also well-done sexuality

[grandma’s house]
Little Red Riding Hood: Are you going to eat me?
Wolf: I just want my hoodie back.

If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts

Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.

Morpheus: If you take the red pill, I will show you what the Matrix is.

Neo: *ingests pill* Whoa.

Morpheus: It’s also a powerful laxative.

Bank: your credit card payment is late

Me: your imaginary financial system is illegitimate

Bank: what

Me: nothing what do I owe

this one time, I was able to rob a bank armed with nothing but a notebook filled with poetry I wrote in the 8th grade

Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?

In Japanese, a cat sitting compactly with all its legs pulled in under its body is affectionately known as KŌBAKO-ZUWARI—or ‘sitting like an incense box’. The English equivalent is a CATLOAF.

I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.

You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore

My daughter just told me she likes a boy, so I sent him 12 pictures of my gun collection…being a dad is awesome.

Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students?

A water park, but it’s just the bathroom counter after my kids brush their teeth

My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri

Me: Hurry up! If mommy is late to work then I get fired then we don’t have money to pay the rent and then we’re homeless.

[Later]

6yo: [sees homeless guy] Looks like that guy was late to work.

My friend has a four-year-old and they’re teaching him Spanish in preschool. She said “Can you say ‘hello’ in Spanish?” He responded “Hello in Spanish.”

I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.

i just really want crab legs

..not to eat or anything, no, i just wanna scuttle across the floor and see who runs in terror from me

People ask me, “Matt, how do you do it?” , “Matt, what’s your secret?” , “Matt, why do you make up imaginary interview questions?”

frankly, people look at you different after you lick them.

My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken

How many? 🤔

Diet hack: Spend your money filling up your gas tank so you won’t have money for groceries.

[job interview]
“And why do you want to be a fireman?”
So I can fire people.
“That’s not what a-”
*clenching fists* You’re gonna be first.