Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Our sport needs a name
“Does it use a ball?”
No it’s more of an oblon–
“Do u move it with ur foot?”
No it’s mostly thro–
“Football”
Perfect!

[math class]

ME: today we’ll learn about [gestures to number on whiteboard] the tenths place

STUDENT: what’s the point?

ME: good question, what is the point of any of this? we’re all gonna die anyway

STUDENT: I mean in that number

ME: oh, that’s the decimal

“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.

No, it’s not what you think.

I just watched Hook.

aiming to be more of a grinch this christmas (exclusively hanging out with my dog and complaining when the neighbors get too loud)

Leading causes of cancer:
1. Smoking
2. Aging
3. Radiation
4. Diet
5. WebMD

Boss: You need to work on your puncuality.

Me: Sorry, but commas, are hard, to place.

Boss: ….?

ME: I’m hungry. I think I’ll get McDonald’s.
HER: Aren’t you on a diet?
ME: OK. I’ll only get one McDonald.

AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables
THE MAKERS OF V8: Hey

I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn’t even lift him. We high-fived & laughed.

I’m praying for you…

So if a bird shits on your car right after you wash it…

That’s from me

Last night my 3 year old screamed “DON’T TAKE MY BANDAID OFF! I DO IT!” in her sleep, in case you were wondering what toddlers have nightmares about.

Me: I don’t have time for anxiety. I have so much to do before tomorrow.

Anxiety: Ha! Good one. You’re funny!

Me: Funny how?

Me: Can u send me those documents?
Coworker: Yes, but u can actually get them by–
Me: Nope, don’t try teaching me to fish. Not interested.

got so drunk last night that I ate a salad

I shouted “the blue Subaru with an Obama sticker left its lights on!” at Mt. Bachelor and had the *entire* hill to myself for an hour

Smile they said.

Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep…….

Him: Do you know what you are doing?

Her: Do I look like I know what I’m doing?

Him: No.

Her: Okay then, quit asking stupid questions.

you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed

him: you any good at throwing axes

me: just call me lizzie borden

My kid invented a game but told me it was too complicated and I wouldn’t understand. Reader, he is throwing a stuffed animal repeatedly in the air and catching it

[Me getting cut off in traffic]

GET OFF YOUR PHONE AND WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING!

[Notices USMC sticker]

AND THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE!

According to this Ancestry DNA test, I’m 40% caveman. Thanks, Flintstones vitamins.

I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.

Friend: we’re going to Mexico this summer!

Me: I just bought a sensible lavender cardigan on clearance at Target, Jessica. I really don’t have time for your drama.

Dudes named Chance never had one.

Boss: You wrote one of your strengths is invisibility and that seems–what are you doing?!
Me (giving him the finger): Wait–you can see me?

cake decorator: do you want an exclamation point after “happy birthday”?

me: no, my son wanted more of a somber motif for his sixth birthday

If Seal was my friend, I would never miss an opportunity to ask him, “Wanna go clubbing?”

bragging about how I’ve “really turned my life around recently” without mentioning in which direction