@SteveDutzy

Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.

Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s

Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.

Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s

- @SteveDutzy

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@KentWGraham

Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?

Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?

@stevevsninjas

me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings

@nbadag

me: [sprinkling white ash on the ground in the shape of a pentagram]
build-a-bear employee: please don’t do that

@robdelaney

Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.

@sliver_of

*Texting* “Yeah sorry I’ve just got something very important to do. You go without me.”

*Pan out to me laying on the bed with a pan of brownies*

@ShortSleeveSuit

ME [passing the bag]: cheeto?

GUY IN THE STALL NEXT TO ME: can we please not do this?

@causticbob

GF: “I’m telling you now! Size does not matter, it doesn’t make you any less important.”

BF: “Yeah? Well explain that to Pluto.”

@PetrickSara

[Married Pillow Talk]

Husband: Tell me what you want.

Me: I want you to fix the kitchen faucet.