Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.
Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s
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I don’t like it when my phone puts a word in “quotals” like I made it up or I’m stupid or something.
In our wedding, I’ll invite his ex and be like “Still believe you can get him back?”
That dress was wearable way before your “cami” intervened. India and lingerie sites. *rolls eyes*
My lockdown lifestyle is like that of the wife of an as-yet-undiscovered serial killer in the 70’s.
– home alone daily in a housedress / nightgown
– making ice in trays
– doing housework
– going through old boxes wondering where did all this weird women’s jewelry come from
if I ever look at my phone in the middle of a conversation with you, I’m not reading a text, I’m just looking up the definition of a word I just used a bit too confidently
Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.
They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.
Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.
Psychiatrist: “Maybe you should be seeing a therapist.”
Me: “You sure like spending my money, don’t you?”
I just bedazzled my twitter handle on a jean jacket in case anybody wants to beat me up in person.
My son has to write 5 sentences tonight.
Our family thanks you for your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Date: What do you do?
Me: I’m a cleptozoologist
Date: That’s interest…wait, what??
Me: *is already stealing lobsters from the tank*
TINDER SHOULD SHOW YOU WHAT AGE RANGE UR MATCHES ARE OPEN TO WHAT IF I MATCH WITH A GROWN MAN WHO HAS HIS PREFERENCES DOWN TO 18 HOLY SHIT NO BUENO
Your baby is cute but terrible at helping me move.
“Now?”
“Not yet.”
“Now?”
“Not quite.”
*Car approaches*
“Now?”
“Now.”
-Deer crossing the road
Interviewer : So you’re super fast at math?
Me : Yup
I : Ok, what’s 346×48?
Me : 804
I : That’s not correct
Me : Fast though.
I could never be on The Bachelor. I don’t need millions watching me get dumped & cry on tv. It’s bad enough my cat sees that shit everyday.
Facebook: Please give us access to all of your personal information
Me: Okaaaay, but only if you tell me which Golden Girl I am.
#Caturday
Getting fired from the coroners office for yelling “IS IT CAKE?!” before every autopsy
Robin: “Clowns to the left of me, Joker’s to the right. Here I am, stuck in the middle with you.”
Batman: “Shut up.”
Waiter: and would you like mayonnaise on that?
Wife: Ew, gross.
Me: Why are you making your sex noises at him?
*in the front row of a James Blunt concert raising a sign that says THANK YOU every time he sings the words ‘You’re Beautiful’
My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.
My downstairs neighbor thinks I’m a little creepy and that I overstep my bounds. At least that’s what she wrote in her diary.
My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.
Nothing says you’re over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.
*casually walks into a crowded Sushi Restaurant wearing a dolphin costume* *suddenly stops, looks horrified, & backs slowly out the door*
i just think if i chewed lava quick enough it wouldn’t be too bad
Registering the death of my Uncle Arthur at the coroners office and when asked for the deceased’s name, I replied “A. Smith” The coroner then asked ” A for?”, to which I replied “Apple”. I”ve never lived it down and my wife constantly brings it up over 30 years later.