Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

3 day weekend: *exists*
Americans:

In a world full of Christmas fruitcakes, be a cheese ball

God said, “Thou shall not kill”
And then he wiped out the entire
human race with a global flood just
because people didn’t take it
seriously

*cop frisking me*
Cop: “theres nothin in your pockets that will poke me, right?”
Uh, no
Cop: “OW!”
*baby porcupine jumps out*
RUN POKEY, RUN

Doctor: When he wakes from this coma, we don’t know if he’ll be the same or have brain damage

Me *opening eyes* gonna buy a duck and call it Dan Quackroyd

Doctor: Oh no

Wife: Oh shit he’s the same

I believe in serving my children a variety of foods that they won’t eat.

Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts

Me: I realized I’ve never made a goose happy. I’ve never made a goose sad, but I’ve also never made one happy. Today is the day I change that.

Baker: So, two loaves of bread?

Me: yes two please.

Had a breakthrough with my therapist yesterday.

Never seen a man cry like that before.

ME: we have a problem, they’re out of hot dogs

HER: that’s ok, i’m vegan

ME: ok we have two problems

Religion has been soaked in blood like the Parle-G biscuit that breaks off and settles at the bottom of your cup.

I’m delusional but self aware, I call that Delaware.

Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
Let he who is without stone come down to Steve’s Stone Supply, Exit 13A off the NJ Turnpike.

Me: Busy day?
Singer: Working on my scales
Map maker: Same
Scale maker: Same
Mountain climber: Same
Guy who draws fish: Same

in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside

on a hike: I want to pet that bear

Me: How many legs does the dog have?

4 y.o: Five

Me: There’s something wrong with your counting.

4: There’s something wrong with the dog.

What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house

A spoo-key.

Proper labeling of axes is absolutely crucial.

*playing with a ouija board at a cocktail party*

Me: Is anyone here with us?

T E L L T H E S E P E O P L E T O
U S E A C O A S T E R

M: Oh my god! Mom!

Thank you for clarifying that you’d bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with.

[birth of Jesus]

First Wise Man: Here is some frankincense

Second Wise Man: Got you some myrrh

Third Wise Man: This is gold

First Two Wise Men: Hey, we agreed on a spending limit

Boomers: we don’t share our feelings.

Millennials: we share all of our feelings.

Gen X: feelings?

I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….

…..I just love smell of campfires.

GF: I’m leaving you because you’re obsessed with Spanish puns and Despicable Me.

ME: Please don’t go. You’re Juan in a minion.

Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.

DATE: Tell me about yourself
ME: I own 7 pens!
D: I meant, like, something personal
M:*Sadly* I lie about how many pens I own to impress ppl

Lowe’s banned me for yelling “From the windows! To the walls! To the sweat drop down my balls!”, as I explained how much carpet I needed.

amazon: our prime deliveries may be delayed due to covid-19

me: thats okay *hits accept*

amazon [seconds later]: *package smashes through living room window*

Saying “I’m practicing social distancing”

-everyone doing it
-not very exciting
-no variety

Exclaiming “keep your hands off me good sir!”

-classy
-are you a character in a victorian novel?
-implies someone would want to touch you

I see you have a tattoo that says “Only god can judge me.” Buddy, you’re not gonna believe what im doing right now.