Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*i open my briefcase, take out a picture of a block of velveeta cheese & slide it across the table to my financial manager*
how can i purchase one of these?

this mf tried to spell arrangatangs with an o

👮‍♂️New comic: Good Cop, Bad Cop👮‍♂️

BOSS: *rubbing bridge of her nose* Why were you late again?

ME: Well it’s High Five Wednesday, and I passed an aquarium full of Octopuses

saying “i don’t care” and then not being able to sleep because of it is my superpower

Cat is stressing him out.

When I was 5 my life ambition was to ride on a parade float. That happened when I was 6.

I didn’t really plan past that, and still haven’t.

Got a little bit lost in the woods. I’m putting everything into the clothes hamper in case of tics.

Heck, I’m going into the hamper too.

ME: excuse me did you say this was non-GMO
WAITER: yes that’s right
ME: [pointing to my alphabet soup] there’s like a dozen of them in there

Accidentally ruined my 9yo’s entire life because I said “toilet” too loud in a public place.

Sub the word ‘hostage’ for the word ‘parent’ at your child’s next activity to spice up the conversations with all the other hostages.

Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.

My husband said something about me reminds him of Jennifer Lawrence

I don’t know what he wants from me but whatever it is he’s going to get it

we’ve been teaching the 2 yr old about cutlery and setting the table for supper and, well,

[ants at a Def Leppard concert]
*Pour Some Sugar on Me starts*
Ant 1: Oh hell yeah I love this one
Ant 2: Sugar is good for us and the queen

I swear if I see one more person enter this WalMart wearing pajamas I am going to take the belt off my bathrobe and choke them with it

Nurse: You can come inside now.

*Stands up*

*Dusts off jacket*

*Straightens bow tie*

*Fastens cufflinks*

*Ahem*

“That’s what she said”

Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my girl’s hair. Its a nice way to let her know I love her and also that were out of napkins

*a colony of zombies ripping human skulls open & eating brain. Off to the side, a French zombie fries brains in butter with aioli trempette

realizing i have to deal with the consequences of my actions

What if animals “were” injured in the making of a film. Do they list that in the credits? Tim hurt one monkey. He is very sorry.

I’m not super into getting older but I do like how nobody asks me to help them move anymore

My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.

For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.

PSA: If you’re about to be arrested, climb to the roof of a nearby court. You are now ‘above the law’ & literally can’t get in trouble ever

Sometimes, when he’s really pissed me off, I like to log into his Netflix account and rate every romantic teen drama five stars.

(to the tune of We Will Rock You)

I feed my dog dog food

Me: *eating 8’s M&Ms*

8: where are my M&Ms?

Me: *hides packet* what M&Ms?

8: the ones from grandma

Me: what grandma?

8: my grandma

Me: is she though?

8: I don’t understand

Me: well go to your room and think about it

8:

Me:

8: *walks off*

Me: *finishes eating M&Ms*

Mother: And where did you see this show?
Kid: I saw it on Hulu.
Mother: *raises disapproving eyebrow*
Kid: *sighs* I saw it on Whomlu.

“and how does that make you feel?”