Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.
You Might Also Like
If you see my kid on zoom in the same clothes he’s been wearing the past five days mind your business our homeschool has a uniform.
April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.
love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face
I totally get your eyebrows.
My bank account is overdrawn, too.
what
”You can’t outsmart me! I know what you’re up to” I say to my cat. I lie
DATE: dessert?
MY BRAIN: im full
MY STOMACH: i want food
DATE: one piece of chocolate wont hurt
MY DOG: THAT MAN IS TRYIMG TO KILL MY OWNER
Me: We are leaving in an hour
Teens: Okay
*58 mins later*
Teens: *start cooking their lunch*
[reverse psychology]
me: tell me about your childhood
therapist: *crying* where do I begin?
You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.
my kidney: can you stop with the alcohol?
my heart: yes and also start eating better?
my brian: do whta yuo liek.
me: love you, brian.
When Corner House says something righteous and you just think
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
Reading that the economy is good while perusing 1 bedroom apartments being rented for 5,000 dollars a month and looking at jobs that pay 31,000 dollars a year.
“A broken clock is right twice a day” isn’t really true anymore because my office microwave says it’s 88:88 o’clock
[bedtime]
SON: I want a monster story.
ME: Sure. This one’s called “The evil co-worker that reheated fish in the microwave.”
An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.
First person to use a pillow: this is way better than leaves
First person to lay on a pillow: ok I smell shit
“I didn’t choose the thug life.” I explain, entering an institution of higher learning.
Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.
“About this postcard ‘Having a wonderful time wish you were here.’ Why didn’t you want me to come with you in the first place?”
“Then I would have had to reword it.”
This is the coolest video you will see today.
I like how people say “travel safely” like I’m the one flying the plane.
take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.
Well, Well, Well if it isn’t the words I was told I would eat one day.
Marriage license: Contractual agreement to laugh at your spouse’s same three bad jokes for life.
Why do they call it a ‘reading of the will’ and not a dead giveaway?
Dracula’s wife: You’ve got a little smudge on your chin.
Dracula: Vhere? Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a little to the left.
Dracula: Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a bit to the right. You know what? Just go look in the mi..
Dracula: LOOK INTO WHAT, MARTHA??
ME: *coughing* I’m sorry my voice is a little hoarse.
CHESS PLAYER: did.. did you just swallow my knight?
I was up all night reading about insomnia