Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.
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At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.
This man is very sweet with me. I’m calling the police
Walked out of the hospital with my newborn daughter on Friday to go home. Got outside, she took one look around, smirked and rolled her eyes. I couldn’t help but think… “she’s already smarter than me.”
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
Reduce your kids intake of sugary, fizzy drinks by shaking up the can before handing it to them.
Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.
5: daddy can I tell you a secret?
Me: sure thing buddy
5: *grabs my face and whispers* I just pooped and I didn’t wash my hands
(Writing in food journal)
me: for lunch I had sa………
trainer: (interrupting) salad. awesome.
me: sake.
people are doing cold plunges and i’m like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.
I’m bored and that can only mean one thing.
My bank accounts about to take a hit.
DID YOU KNOW: Petting dogs is a video game, and if u pet a dog perfectly enough, u will unlock the ability to go to a dog’s Birthday Party
Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
My package got from New York to Chicago in the same business day. Over the next four days it has traveled less than 20 miles, although it moves every day. I think it is walking here.
[receives death threat]
please stop flirting with me
The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.
That awkward moment when your doctor tells you that you have tennis elbow from repetitive hand motion and you don’t own a tennis racket ….
We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.
Dear Diary,
I went back to the gym for the first time since before the holidays today. Struggling to remember what it is I’m supposed to do here. I took a bite out of a dumbbell and that wasn’t right, but I’m close. I can feel it.
me: [trying to cheat in an exam]
teacher: I’m married
if you get famous on youtube you get ad money. if you get famous on twitch you get donations. if you get famous on instagram you get sponsors. if you get famous on twitter you get your tweets crossposted to every other social media with your @ cropped out
Me: You want some cereal?
2 year-old: Yay cereal!
Me: Want some Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
2: Yay cinnamon crack!
Me: Ok-wait, what??
If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.
[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol
The UPS guy never wants to wrestle so I’m thinking about trying FedEx.
I said goodbye to everyone at a party and then mistakenly walked into a closet and was too embarrassed to walk back out so I live here now.
Him: “I like your locket.”
Me: “Thanks! I got it from a thrift store and it has a picture of a dead couple in it.”
Him: “How do you know they are dead?”
Me: “They are standing behind you. They said they like your hair.”
If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.
[On date]
Me: Duck! That’s my wife outside the restaurant
Her: What!? Your profile said “single dad!”
Me: Exactly. We’re a one dad family