Give a man a fish… and well, shit gets weird.
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I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore
I have a box of thirdhand rice. My daughter’s friend bought it, but then he moved out of his apartment so he gave it to her because it wasn’t opened. Now she’s moving out of her apartment so she gave it to me because it wasn’t opened. I’m not really sure how I feel about it.
Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.
Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym
Q: How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
A: You look for the fresh prints!
I’ll show myself out y’all
woman in my gym locker room has multiple containers of fresh chinese takeout spread out on the bench and is just happily munching away
doctor: I’ve written you a prescription here. Follow that and let’s check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn’t we’ll know more.
chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS
The fastest animal in Canada is probably the vaMoose.
I’ve laughed so hard 😭😭
[first date]
HER: So, I hear you’re a dog person-
ME: [tucking my tail between my legs] WHO TOLD YOU
me: *donates two bucks to guy outside gas station*
guy: *takes off mask to reveal he’s actually wikipedia* i got you i finally got you
There…fixed it 🤣🤣🤣
Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”
Cyclops: Wow
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in physics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: it’s ok the plane will weigh the same
Just saw a guy wearing “Eclipse 2024 Volunteer” t shirt. Holy shit dude. That was you up there ?
I complain about my kids a lot but I’d be lost without them. Lost in my expensive sports car in designer clothes. Or lost in my clean house.
VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.
Me: so when will I actually receive the shark
Loan Shark: what
cop: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
me: *puts hands up and my shirt rises exposing my entire stomach*
cop: SIR PUT YOUR HANDS BACK DOWN
“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.
rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days
barista: oh no
She had soft, black hair, and big, brown eyes. We went for a walk. I told her I loved her. Now she’s gone. She took off after a squirrel.
Me: *completing a puzzle* see if the pieces are soggy they fit wherever
I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.
The list of things that give me heartburn is trending towards everything.
-Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
-Not *herd* of bees.
-You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
-I know, but it’s swarm!
-*sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.
My husband just bought us a cooking class for date night. Subtle.