Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.

I still cannot believe that we found a crab with these markings at Friday Harbor Labs this summer. We named it “Sad crab” and it now lives happily in a HUUUUUUUGE tank at @MarineBiol_FHL. Sad crab, I stan you.

Him: Look at the poodle I got for my wife!

Me: That’s a pretty good trade…

People are asking me questions like they can’t see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.

Them: Hey aren’t you that guy that keeps inventing useless things?

Me: Not anymore! Allow me to introduce to you-

Them: Oh Jesus

Me: -the portable hat!

[moving day]

Me: Here we go. Bye house.

Husband: You forgot the kids.

Me: I filled out a change of address card. They’ll find us eventually.

me: wow, so many robins! what a good omen

also me: there are robins everywhere, it’s not a sign

also also me: you can both be right!

fourth me: you guys talk too much

Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.

I’m such a sucker for a sports movie. I want the team to win so bad… but then it seems like they won’t… omg they did it

What he said, “Let’s just drop it.”
What I heard, “I can’t think of a single way to win this argument, I bow to your wit and intelligence.”

– You need you refresh your style, dear..Orange is so last year
-.. meow?

I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.

Ok who’s got my black socks?

cop: I’m giving you a financial penalty for speeding

me: fine

[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable

People love to watch science fiction, get mad about a single detail, then spend the rest of their lives demanding to speak to the manager of space

My neighbor was complaining about my cat pooping in her flower bed but I didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s actually my kids.

BANK: Someone made fraudulent charges with your debit card
ME: Wait… how do you know it wasn’t me
BANK: They entered the PIN correctly on the first try
ME: Dear god

“I know it doesn’t look good on paper, but hear me out guys, Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na BATMAN!!!!”

Things I have in common with an avocado:

-If I’m just on my own I’m pretty bland
-I swing drastically and unpredictably from too hard to too soft
-I’m pleasant for only a very brief window of time
-I’m often found with chips

I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.

My son had a meltdown because his sister accidentally stepped on his piece of popcorn shaped “perfectly like an octopus” and he was saving it for “his collection.” I don’t know about this collection. I don’t want to know about this collection.

If not now, then when? If not you, then who?

— the pile laundry on my loveseat begging me to fold it

Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.

Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.

*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door

*hears the word “sex”

*turns down my TV

I farted in the Apple Store on Black Friday and everyone got angry at me…
It’s not my fault they don’t have Windows.

*I’ll show myself out*

Twitter is like 192 million people screaming “Mom watch me jump in the pool”

9 out of 10 zoo dentists refuse to treat grizzly bears unless it’s been given a STRONG anesthetic, proving true the old adage that…

There’s safety in numb-bears.

In 8th grade my teacher told me if I didn’t stop talking I wouldn’t remember anything from her class. Well, 20+ years later, and I’m here to tell her she was totally wrong. I remember Craig. The boy who sat next to me and ate his scabs.